Hannah's home!

Hannah's home and she's awesome and its awesome and the weather is great and life is good!

Adelle

I have been working all summer toward finally getting the details worked out to be a Big Sister with Big Brothers/Big Sisters. I did it before we had kids and found it very rewarding. I chose a girl from my school who has autism. I had referred her to the program two years ago and she never got a Big Sister so I said, "What the heck! I'll be her Big Sister!" She doesn't like the term, however, because she already has a real big sister. So tonight was our first outing. I was pretty excited and though I know her well, I wasn't quite sure what to expect. When I went to get her, she refused to come out from the other room while we did more paperwork. Then she came out and told her mom she wasn't going. Her mom explained that she had hoped someone else would be her Big Sister. I understand because I had to work with Adelle on her social skills and she doesn't really like to have her social skills corrected. But we were able to talk her into going. She got in the back seat and buckled up. I couldn't talk her into getting in the front seat. She answered my questions with really short answers sprinkled in with sports statistics which is her conversation fallback. We got to the house and she smiled at the dogs but they were pretty hyper. Someone had left the TV on so she took the controller and told me we were watching baseball. I sat down and she sat down and started watching. Joel's laptop was open so she asked if she could go to Espn3. I said yes and then it was like I wasn't in the room. I tried to get her to fill out an interest checklist and she checked all the sports and handed it back to me. I asked her if she wanted to make cookies or go for walks sometime...She said ok without enthusiasm. I told her 5 more minutes and we'd leave. We went to the gas station and she kept telling me she was going inside to get something to eat. I told her she needed to stay with me. She watched me put the gas in and then asked if she could wash the windows. She worked so hard but they were really dirty so she kind of just pushed the dirt around. I told her she did a great job! Just before she got in the car, she pulled her pants down and completely exposed herself and was touching something down there. I got out and ran around the car and told her to stop. She got in the car--whew! That is as "out there" as she gets and it happened on our first time out! So then we went to get ice cream. She really wanted "supper" which I had to be firm about. We got ice cream and actually had conversation as we ate on a table out front. Then we went to the park but she was disappointed that there weren't swings. On the way back to her house, she announced that she should come live at my house forever! I said that I thought her family might miss her. She said, "They'd get over it." She said we need to get together 7 or 8 times next week. I made arrangements to get her next Wednesday and walked her to the door to tell her mom she'd been good. I am really hopeful that just getting out and doing some different things will be good for Adelle. I know I'm looking forward to our time together.

photo

I am having trouble with the photos. The photo that made it to the blog is the patio of the USC cafeteria where Joel will most likely be eating every day. We took this photo on campus. The weather was amazing--perfect temp and sunny at all times.

USC visit and the week

It has been a whirlwind week. Sorry I haven't blogged and this will be a long one. Last Sunday Leah and I took Scott out for a Father's Day brunch then I set out for my Mom's to help her get ready for her colonoscopy the next day. I did her liquid diet with her (except I did sneak out to the kitchen and ate a cheese cracker in the night:) then took her for her procedure the next morning in KC. The things she had to go through to get ready for this test--unbelievable! She got all good news except that she needs to eat TONS more fiber then she came back to Manhattan with me. We had a good time but mostly ate--at Olive Garden and at the new Smashburger. Yum. Then on Tuesday evening, Joel and I took her home so that Wednesday morning we could jot over to KCI to leave for LA for his orientation.


USC and LA
LAX is a typical big city airport and we were picked up by a shuttle van. The van driver texted while changing lanes in a big circle near the airport. The freeway had 5 lanes on each side but moved pretty quickly and it only took about 30 minutes to get to the Radisson on campus. We dumped our luggage at the desk since we had some time to fart around before early check in. Joel showed me part of campus and we had coffee in a very cool coffee shop in the School of Cinematic Arts. More about that building and the campus later. Then we walked a few blocks off campus and got on the dash (bus). My first impressions of LA were not good--it was dirty and basically unimpressive. Another USC parent noted later that in New York and other large cities everyone rides the busses but in LA, it seems like it was just one class of people. I agree. We got off the dash at the Sprint center in an area called LA live. There was a film festival going on we figured out) and lots of people camping out for Twilight tickets. It was crowded and chaotic and I think Joel and I were just tired and overwhelmed. We found a place that looked ok for dinner, Trader Vic's and ate hamburgers (again). It was only 5 o'clock but that was 7 our time. We went back and checked in to our rooms. Joel stayed in the least impressive dorm that they are renovating. I stayed in the dorm floor of the Radisson. It was just basically a hotel room with dorm furniture instead of hotel furniture. About 6:30, Joel took off to see what the students had planned. At first I felt ditched but then I liked that he felt confident enough to go off on his own right off the bat. I walked down to the same coffee shop we had been at earlier and texted Scott, "I am sitting between the Stephen Spielberg building and the George Lucas building." He was impressed. Except that I didn't see any students that looked anything like Joel and there were sirens in the distance and I read the student newspaper crime reports of mugging, etc. I wasn't in a good frame of mind. I eventually found the parents informal get together and talked with some other parents who were also feeling overwhelmed and some student reps who were very reassuring. Joel came to meet me and walked me back to my room and I got some much needed sleep after calling Scott and lamenting.
Day two went much better. I got ready and went to the Town and Gown where I loaded up on coffee and sugar donuts and then found Joel (who had already made friends and hadn't saved me a seat) in the opening session. There were a TON of people there--600 kids and their parents. We heard some good stuff then they took the kids off and the parents went for more coffee and sweets and a heard a bunch of parent stuff. We sat with other parents of kids in the School of Cinematic Arts and I met some parents from all over, the midwest, etc. We walked together to the School and heard from the guy in charge of student affairs there. He seemed really nice and approachable. We then split into Joel's major, Interactive Entertainment. Four kids out of the 15 accepted into the program were there, Zoey, George, Danny, and Joel. Joel already knew George from facebook. He seemed nice, George was loud and obnoxious, and Zoey and her mom were very nice. I made friends right away with Kim, Zoey's mom and hung out with her quite a bit the next day and a half.
The presentation by Charlotte Riffey, Joel's advisor was really impressive. I almost cried feeling so blessed that Joel is accepted into this program. Kids are sought out by big gaming corporations to help with games while they are in school! She showed students' projects that were purchased and marketed by recognizable corporations. The kids all knew the games. For example, Sims came to USC and student's came up with the idea for Sims Halloween and they flew kids to their offices to work with their people--while they were in school! There are huge grants for projects too. The equipment these kids will work with is beyond belief. The school has access to games that won't come out for months. I'm not doing a good job of putting all this in words--but believe me, if you could have seen Joel's face while she was talking. I was fighting back tears of excitement and gratitude the entire time.
The next day and a half, we went to all kinds of sessions and learned everything there is to know about USC, walked all over campus, and ate and ate. The campus is HUGE! There are 38 fountains on campus, two unions, three bookstores, two cafeterias, 6 restaurants and a food court, about 4 cafe's, and 6 coffee shops. There are 167 security officers, three transportation services, two big libraries, two olympic size pools, two full size stadiums not including the collosium. It was very nice, huge trees, lots of green areas, a variety of beautiful buildings, ... We toured some other dorms and they look good. We still don't know where Joel will live because we messed up on his application but hopefully that will be straightened out soon.
The last day there was a parent sessions where they brought up all the emotions that parents go through and MADE us think about all the things I'd been suppressing. It was not pleasant. I needed to go have a long, loud, PRIVATE cry but here we were in this huge auditorium. There were parents crying all over the room. Please. I am so emotional because I am so excited for Joel and so sad for me to say goodbye but at the same time really ok with him doing this. This orientation reassured me a lot about all great opportunities that he'll be having and I'm sure this is a very good thing. But he's still my baby and I will always worry about him.
The orientation ended at 5 and we checked out. Joel and I went to the bookstore and the coffee shop and strolled around campus. We saw parts that we hadn't seen previously including the student recreation center and the south side of campus. We decided to eat at Chipotle that is right off campus near the collisuem. I can't spell that, by the way and spellchecker isn't helping me. The only bad thing was, and its actually kind of funny, there was a HUGE 12 hour live Rave at the collisium that night where 225,000 young people attended so the whole campus and the hotel were diluged with these kids who were partying hard and had very little clothes on. A new USC parent in the lobby asked me, "Are these USC students?" She was almost crying with panic! There were sirens all night long and damage to the elevators and windows of the hotel when we got up Saturday morning. We slept really great in a regular Radisson room, though, with big beds and 4 feather pillows each!
It is really good to be home even though I woke up at the crack of dawn. I am snuggling my Rexie while I write this but there was no coffee to brew and I need to go to the grocery store. Leah has David visiting and I haven't been a hostess at all to him. Later.

Hannah

I want to try to blog about my Hannah-bana because I miss her a lot and I've been thinking about her a lot. She's coming to visit in 13 days! Yesterday I made my phone lock screen and wallpaper photos of Hannah. (this was quite a feat as I had to upload some photos from her facebook onto picasa and then upload them to the wallpaper--technology is so exciting to me). I am so proud of Hannah. She is such a unique person. Hannah moved to Wyoming because she loves the outdoors. I will put some pictures here that will explain this without words. Hannah likes to climb and "boulder" and camp and explore--even fish! I'm proud of her setting up a new life there and for being on her own with very little help from us! She lives on little to no money! And she thinks she asks for too much help from us! She has great friends who do neat things together like share poetry and music, do those outdoor things, sit around in front of the fire drinking white russians, cook and eat healthy food, dance, and just talk. Hannah attends the University of Wyoming majoring in secondary art education. I think she'll be a wonderful art teacher. She had some bad experiences with art teachers who almost ruined that area of her life. Hannah is so talented and creative (a few pictures will explain that, too). Its neat that she will be able to share that with the world through teaching. Its so satisfying to a parent to watch your kid launch from your home, forge a new, happy life and choose a path that will give back to the world. Here are some pics from Hannah's summer in Wyoming album.

Step Class

I have to blog about step class. It is important to me for lots of reasons, but mostly because its so fun! I work out for health reasons and for stress relief and weight control because I do like to eat, but I also do it to add fun to my life. Traci's class is the best because it is challenging. We have to concentrate so I don't feel like I'm exercising! I do it after fit ball so my legs are tired and it is especially challenging. Its also challenging mentally and I feel like I'm exercising my brain muscle too! If you space out, you can mess up and get hurt! Yesterday we did these two basic routines over and over to get them down then did partner step! We paired up and did the routine facing each other on the same step! The routine had us moving around the step so we kept passing each other and ended up a few times facing each other (and she had us try patty cake at the same time!) It was so fun--I'd never done it before. It is so refreshing and important to have fun. None of us do it enough--I know I don't!

God in me

I feel like this blog is missing something since I do a separate prayer journal. This isn't all of who I am nor is my spirituality separate from who I am. God is the reason that I like myself, that I enjoy my life. He is my peace, my identity, my security, my reason for hopefully, everything I do. Today I did a fruit check in. I asked myself how I'm doing in each of the fruits of the spirit. Actually, its not exactly how I'm doing, its how yielded I am to letting Him develop these fruits in me: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. I know that God helps me grow in each of these every day. That's my goal, my purpose. I have another list of "goals" that I work on. I'll include it here. Its pretty lofty, but that's where God comes in. I don't do it alone and I don't do it out of obligation--I do it out of love and gratitude for all He's done for me!
serve others
honor others
make the world better
be grateful
model Christ
fling seeds
respond to opportunities to share the gospel
seek my identity and security in Christ
think eternally, not selfishly
love by the Spirit, not by the flesh
overcome temptation
be versus do
relationship with the trinity
enjoy life, think positively, live passionately
live by faith, not by feelings
slow down, develop Spiritual senses
ask God to show me hearts, then what to do
notice people
stop seeking approval of others
be renewed daily--attitude
be filled to overflowing
put on the armor of God
seek God's face not His hand
be conscious of His presence all day
walk in love all day
be an adder,not a subtractor
lift, not lean
ask what am I doing to make someone's day better
I know that I'm not perfect and that I fall short of all of these but I don't live by condemnation, either! I just keep close to God and He works it out through me! It's a cooperation thing. I hope that you who know me and love me experience these things (and thus, God) through me.

Girl Time

I am sitting in Radina's coffee shop with my friend Kathy! She drove 4 hours to visit me which makes me feel special and loved. I needed some girl time and so did she! We are having so much fun! Who else can you sit in the parking lot of Bed Bath and Beyond and tweeze your chin hairs with? Yes, we did that! We also shopped and I bought some shiny new blue flats that are adorable. I would never have bought them by myself. But I will wear them tons. We also purchased pink to go coffee cups and we will think of each other every day that we drink out of them. Kathy used to live in town and moved to Oklahoma five years ago. We have to get together for our girl time every so often. We usually also get together with our mutual friend Julie but she couldn't make it this time. Julie, we miss you! Do you have chin hairs that need plucked? Please go to your nearest Bed Bath and Beyond on a sunny day and check in the mirror. We bet you do! You can giggle and think of us as you pluck them. (If you shop first, they have the cutest novelty tweezers at the checkout).
On a side note, as we were ordering our coffee, we saw the most romantic sight ever! An elderly couple were sitting very close at a table and he was reading to her! She had a big hat on and he was kind of up under her hat. She had her eyes closed as she listened. Kathy and I were hoping that in 20 years or so that could be us with our husbands. Here that Scott and Scott? (both our husbands are named Scott)--you will need to step up the romantism a bit:). Ok, Kathy just said that could only happen with my Scott if he's reading a soccer manual of some sort to me!

Mondays.
I love summer. I sleep until I’m rested. Now that I am done catching up on my sleep and also basically well from my walking pneumonia, I hope to wake up around 9 am daily. The cool thing is, I don’t set an alarm. I just think “I’d like to wake up around 9 am in the morning.” This morning I woke up at 9:28. I felt rested. Then I amble out to let the dogs out and make coffee in my pajamas. I get my usual breakfast together (I have mentioned this many times--vitamins, kasha cereal with skim milk, orange juice, and star bucks coffee brewed at home with sugar free hazelnut creamer. I am now using my insulated cup from Bluestem that matches Leah’s except that mine is pink (of course) and hers is yellow. I started this tradition to help the environment as hopefully we won’t need to run the dishwasher as often since it won’t be filled with random coffee cups. I use an insulated cup for my water too and have for years (my “bubba kegJ for which I have gotten endless teasing). (A side story about my bubba keg. A good friend of mine, Kathy, also uses a bubba keg. A few years ago, we went on a road trip to Cincinnati to see our friend Julie and we decided to take her a bubba keg as a gift. We stopped at every Walmart we saw to look for one. Do you have any idea how many Walmarts are along I-70 on the way to Cincinnati? Lot’s! And one eventually had a bubba keg but we also found lots of cool other items along the way….) . Anyway, I take my breakfast on a tray to the living room and turn on Joyce Meyer which I tivo so it is always available to watch. I watch it taking notes in my pink journal and then do my prayer journaling. I have certain days of the week that I pray for particular things so I can get it all in. Monday is family day--I pray for all my extended family members individually. When I’m done, usually about an hour later, I clean up the living room. Most days are filled with cleaning and organizing traded off with reading a few chapters at a time. My house gets clean and I feel rested and renewed. I have quite an extensive workout schedule also. Mondays are 4:45 fitball and 5:30 step class. Then I fix dinner and hang out with Scott. Today Leah and I ran to Walmart to get tubs and organized the upstairs bedroom. I am motivated to do the cleaning this week because my friend Julie is coming to stay with me Saturday through Monday. I am getting excited! At first I was worried because my house is dirty and old and embarrassing. But as it is getting cleaner and I look around, I realize there are many things I do like about this house. Its comfortable and eclectic and artsy. It expresses who we are as individuals. (However, we are NOT old and dirty and run down and in need of repair). I also love having Leah home. Joel too. Scott is on a 4 dayer and basically sleeps a lot and rambles around. He spends a lot of time on the phone talking about soccer. Today a guy came over and talked about the rotten front window and door so that is progress! He’s also getting ready for his girl’s off season summer tryouts and the guys season. In a bit, Keri will text me if she can go out for coffee. I am truly happy and relaxed and enjoying summer.

joel

Joel's birthday was this week. I'm glad he was born. He has become such a cool young man. Sometimes its hard to believe he's the same kid he was when he was little. I remember him doing puzzles endlessly over and over and people being amazed at how quickly he did them. I remember huge tantrums because he never ate dinner and then didn't want to go to bed. I remember him doing crazy dances in his tighty whiteys standing up in his chair at the dinner table and at the same time his kindergarten teacher couldn't get him to say a word to her at school. I remember him starring and singing solos in the Opera in 6th grade and doing the river dance in his orange high tops. I have such great memories of going on soccer tournaments together, just Joel and I. I slept in the bed and Joel slept in the closet or the windowsill! I remember jogging the river walk in wichita with him and going to the theater where we ordered dinner. I remember playing mind games to help the car ride go faster. I remember running into Joel at TR and he'd hug me. I still have a sticky note that Joel wrote and stuck in my office when he went to Eisenhower that says "Sup Dawg?" Lately we've been going to Chipotle together about once a week. Joel is making nerdy cool again. Joel is good looking and stylish with his black glasses and tube socks with too small gym shorts. I remember the night he wore black dress socks with his new Tom shoes and gym shorts to go to a party! Joel has such unique friends that it has been fun getting to know. I have walked in on them many a time playing Mario or pokemon. What other 17 and 18 year olds do that? Joel is confident and smart and he is also very kind. The other day we went to Best Buy and he took a cart that was parked in the way of a good parking spot and he put it where it belonged (we were already parked). Earlier this year I ran into a gal who substitute taught for Joel. She said, "I just made the connection, you are Joel Clark's mom. I don't usually get to know the kids names who I sub but I know Joel because he is always so helpful to me when I sub in his classes at the high school." Who could have a better kid than that?

old blogs

I told my sister in law that I had a blog but I had never published it. So I am copy/pasting it here.
Diane’s blog
January 18, 2010

A fabulous day, really. No work (not that I don’t like work, its just….work). Slept late enough to feel rested. Watched Joyce and prayed (wrote in my prayer journal) as I do each morning while sipping lovely coffee with hazelnut creamer and enjoying kashi cereal and OJ. Had a great ride to Bethel with Scott, just the two of us. I really enjoyed seeing Lele and hanging out with her. Spent some time in her dorm room catching up then off to downtown Newton to a wonderful german restaurant called the Breadbasket for lunch. Soup and sandwiches--delicious. Went way over our calories for today-oh well. (I had roast beef cheddar soup, whole wheat bread and butter and a small mesquite turkey sandwich and chips). Then over to Leah’s favorite coffee shop called Pages in a bookstore. The coffee tasted really good. And I snuck off to my favorite store in Newton and also bought a couple of things in the health food store--soynuts and dried papaya. Then saw where Leah has her astronomy class and looked at her latest ceramics pieces then met a few more of her friends. Then a nice drive home and got back in time to work out. It felt great to get back into it after my sinus infection even though I was shaky and had to stop step class early. Home in enough time to fix dinner, clean up, fold some laundry and now blogging and watching the KSU Texas game. Scott and Joel are at the game. I’m happy here in my warm home in my sweats. Plus when I get bored, I can read. I love starting the work week with clean sheets, little to no dirty laundry, feeling rested, a sorta clean house and full cupboards, even a full gas tank! And a relief to be back to health. AND a short work week! Life is good. I’m fairly easy to please.

Jan 19 early evening
Tired. A long day. Angry parent, angry kids, staff in a bad mood. Then a KAY meeting followed by a quick hard nap then supervision. I enjoy Marianne but I’m tired. Not done with the day yet. Will grab a quick meal with Joel then taking a friend, John, to the FD to talk to Scott about being fireman. Then I’ll hit my bed with my book early tonight. It was cool watching Joel interact with Marianne. He’s such a nice, personable kid. He impressed her. And me. I like him.

Jan 23 Saturday
Whew what a week! Can’t shake this sinus infection so I have good days where I can do everything I want to including work out and then days where I feel weak and tired and wrung out that I just hang out in bed. Today is in between. Part of me wants to work out, clean, even clean out closets but when I get up to do it, I physically run out of steam. This is the opposite of what one normally experiences--the body is willing but the motivation isn’t there. Oh well. I’ll do my typical work a little, read a little. I am fighting the temptation to work a little, eat a little. I have gained 2 pounds. Its actually the first time I’ve weighed since the cruise and last week with less activity. So I’ll just watch it a bit more and try to exercise more. And balance that with getting well!
I had a good conversation with my mom on the phone. I tried not to boss her or give her advice or get short with her and it went very well. We needed to have a good conversation. Also, today my goal is to be more loving to everyone around me, to look for opportunities to be loving. So instead of just being task oriented when texting mary, I told her I am praying for her busyness and let me know if she needs anything. She really appreciated it! Then I was more loving on the phone with mom. I missed an opportunity when joel asked me to preheat the oven and I forgot. And I need to be especially loving to scott. And I think to myself, too. I am going to work through the fruits of the spirit one at a time and then go back through the list. OR ask God which one He wants me to focus on each day. Thanks, Joyce! I may even get an FCA lesson out of it. Or several.

Monday
So good to feel better! A hard day--dealt with cyber bullying which makes me angry and then had an assembly that brought two girls to my office in utter tears. What about the other hurting kids? I hope they come tomorrow rather than hold it all in. I wish they’d let us know so we could process it better. Ugh.

I was tired but had a great workout. I like to work out. It was also good to dump all the stuff at grand ole trunk that I’d cleaned out yesterday. I’m reading Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard which is good too. And a fiction by Dean Koontz which is ok. I plan to turn in early tonight. Talked with me lele briefly but not hanny. Soon.

February 13, 2010
A fantastic day! Got up around 8 and had my quiet time and breakfast--whole wheat banana pancake! Then left for Bethel. Took Profie. We hung around her room with Ruthi then went on a walk. Saw a bunch of cool ducks that were under an overpass. They were beautiful. We could see their cute little feet paddling in the creek water. Some dogs came after us and we were afraid for Professor so we went the back way through the woods. It was a tad muddy but very fun. The weather was cool, two jackets but just right. Got back to the dorm and got in the car to go to lunch. Profie waited in the car while we ate at the Breadbasket. I had the cheddar steak soup. Then we walked downtown to the usual shops taking turns outside with Professor. Leah bought a black striped shirt with a collar and I got an electric can opener at the et cetera shop. We went back to Leah’s room and took a nap and read then went to say hi to her friends and invite them for a meal. More hanging out in the room then went to Walmart to get Leah some stuff she needed and got bread and cookies and salad for a meal for her friends. We went to pizza hut and got tuscan chicken. We walked while we were waiting in a questionable part of Newton. Then back to the dorm to get the food laid out and then David, Doug, Emma, Natalie and two other boys came for dinner. It was nice. The boys were shy and quiet but warmed up. They started working on a group art project. It was mellow. I left for home about 7:30. I love spending time with Leah and she enjoyed the day, too. Profie was just icing on the cake. The meals were fab and I loved the walk in the woods! I just really like Bethel and I’m glad Leah is there. I liked her friends better this time

February 28 Top Things To Do:
Drink coffee
Read novels
Play/cuddle with Rex and Profie
Step aerobics
Group exercise
Zumba
Fit ball class
Nap
Watch Oprah
Computer--face book, email, blog
Visit leah in Newton
Watch American Idol
Watch Project Runway
Walk the pups
Eat at Chipotle
Go out for coffee
Bible study
Prayer journal
Snack

April 23, 2010
I am sitting at Radina’s coffee shop at this moment. Scott is in Topeka then going from there to Hutch. I thought he was coming home tonight. I miss him. Tomorrow is prom so I will be buying Joel socks then getting ingredients and making dessert. I will take pics at 6 and finally meet Carolyn’s parents. Then home alone again. Scott invited me to stay with him in Hutch but I need to be in town prom night. On Sunday I may drive up and watch a soccer game then go take Lele to lunch. But I may not. I think it will depend on what scott wants to do by then. He may be pretty tired. Tonight I went to exercise class but Kelli wasn’t there and they didn’t do step so I left! I did boot camp last night and couldn’t face anymore weight lifting. Nor could my body. I needed cardio. So I went home to walk the dogs. I randomly called Mary to see if she wanted to go and she did! Then we stopped by to see Debbie. It was so good to see her and hug her. I’ve missed her. But sad, too. She got bad news. Lord, I pray for her again today. I did get to ask her about her salvation not in such blatant terms. She said she has asked Jesus to be her Lord and knows she’s forgiven but has a tiny doubt about her goodness due to her past. I need to look up some good verses to reassure her of her forgiveness and get them to her. I can’t even imagine facing my own mortality like that. She is so incredibly brave! I suppose God has prepared her as this is like her third time with the cancer. Well, more than that. But leaving your kids….. Lord, I lift up Debbie’s kids to You, also. Please let them come to You so that Debbie can know that and feel peace. I put them in Your hands now.
Earlier I went to Chipotle with Joel and Conner and Zeb. I am treasuring my time with Joel. Such precious time before he leaves. Yipes, can’t cry here. I do feel good about him going. I will just miss him. I know You are preparing me for this, too. I am starting to get excited about the possibilities of life without kids at home. But, oh, I miss them. I can go days without feeling pain from missing the girls so I know I can get to that point with Joel, too. I used to be terrified for him and that is going away. The trip in June will help. Then I will push through it. I know You will be with me, Lord, as You have been for every other hard thing.
A Praise! I got brave and asked Duke about FCA. If it is Your will, Lord, help it to be so. Don’t let my stupidity mess it up. Guide my thought life. I hope this file converts. I’m not ready to go home to an empty house yet tonight. I will be. I am learning how to be alone. Its not lonely. Sometimes, but rarely. Dang, I was going to call Mom tonight. I ought to leave and do that. Its sort of late. I’ll do it tomorrow. Be with her tonight, Lord. Let her sleep well. I wonder what Hannah is up to tonight. Probably drinking with her buds. Oh, it snowed there today--she texted me! Leah hasn’t texted that she’s to Oklahoma yet. She probably is but forgot to text. Keep her safe, Lord. Let Hannah find her renter tomorrow so she’ll know it was You! Keep Joel safe and guide his choices tonight and tomorrow night, Lord. Keep Scotty safe traveling. Yuck, I guess he’s driving the truck! Expensive! Ok, enough rambling. Time to read a bit then go home and get my jammies on. Night.

May 9,2010 Mother’s Day

I don’t feel well today but I also hate Mother’s Day. Ok, I am very, very thankful for my mom. But I always feel guilty on Mother’s Day that I’m not with her. And my expectations are high and my emotions run high. Scott always takes a nap on Mother’s Day (I made a joke out of it this year). The kids usually make me something. This year I just want to talk to them. Joel is being really sweet. He got me comic books sort of as a joke but because I like to read. Remind me next year to go see my mom! We’ll go get pedicures or something! God, please let Hannah call me today! Leah already did to see if I was coming to her concert. I haven’t missed a concert of hers in years! I hate Mother’s Day! Well, gonna go call my mom and tell her very genuinely that I miss her and that I wish I’d spent the day with her and that she made up for anything that I didn’t get from my dad. Then I will call Hannah. And Leah later. Happy Mother’s Day.

happy birthday

It's 4 in the morning and I'm out in the living room trying to cough this crap out of my lungs without waking up the whole family. I had such a great birthday despite finding out I have walking pneumonia! I slept in, had leftover whole wheat blueberry pancakes for breakfast (yum) and went for a pedicure. I described it in detail for Scott so he can understand that it is waaaaay more than having your toes painted (I chose bright red). I think its the massage that's my favorite part. Pause to cough. I read some more (working through the Katherine Center list--finished Her by Laura Zigman yesterday--gave it a 4) and went to the grocery store. For some crazy reason, my family has decided to get on a vegetable kick. All but me, who will never, never, join that cause. The other night I steamed up the rest of the leftover broccoli from Joel's party and you might of thought I'd made candy the way they were munching it up. I've deprived them over the years. So then I went to my aerobics (step and floor) (yes even with pneumonia--I asked the doctor--he said it was ok!) and went to a new pilates class. I did have to leave that early because my coughing was disturbing the peace. Then I showered and put on a skirt and went with Scott, Leah and Joel to eat at the new Olive Garden and enjoyed myself very much. I even asked for whole wheat! I stuck to two bread sticks (oh my gosh, slathered in garlicky, wonderful, melt in your mouth, buttery). I ate only half of my entree. Joel filled up on soup and bread sticks so he ceremonially gave me the rest of his chicken alfredo for my birthday (to save and dole out to myself in small portions:). I really am going to stick to this diet and lose some pounds this summer. My goal (dare I say it) is 15 pounds. That will put me down about 30 pounds total from this time last year. Pause to cough oops and toot. I am ready to be thinner! And healthier. But I do so love to eat. I forgot to mention that earlier in the day I talked with Hanny Banny. I miss her so much that when we hung up, I cried. She was planting a garden. She'll b home in three weeks (for a week). All in all it was a fabulous birthday.

later

Two blogs in one day! We may have created a monster! This was a good day. A quiet, slow, but good day. Started the day with my coffee with hazelnut creamer as always then went to the gym for step class! Came home, a hot shower--lovely! then wrote in my prayer journal--Tuesdays I pray for my Bible study friends along with Scott and the kids (they are every day). Then went to the library, started my new blog and laid around with my sweet pups and read all day! Good times! I did do some laundry. I made fried eggs and fried mozzarella for lunch (in olive oil!) then whole wheat blueberry pancakes for snack. Leah talked me into Jimmy Johns for dinner and we went to visit Scott. He is really talking about fixing up the house! I hope he is serious this time!

A first

Ok, Its official. I am starting a blog. I never understood the difference between a diary and a blog. I keep a prayer diary every day. I did a back and forth email thing with the girls and my mom that was sort of a blog for a long time. Here is a secret about me: I want to be a writer. I have always wanted to be a writer since I was a little girl! I LOVE to read but writing is so much different! I was inspired by my sister in law, Shari. I love reading her blog! She is so positive and unique and fun. Its a little intimidating to write a blog knowing Shari will read it. But that's ok. Its MY blog. I hope that the flavor of my blog is positive and fun, but the truth is, I tend to be a deep person. I often don't know how to function on the surface with people. I either don't want to interact, or I want to know, to really know, how someone is doing. But I tend to like to read lighter, fun, positive books. My favorite books are the ones that are about people who are strong and who have hope. On Shari's blog, she wrote recently about a favorite author, Katherine Center. Katherine commented on her blog! So fun! I ran right out and read two of Katherine's books and loved them! Today I went to the library and checked out every single author that Katherine recommended to Shari! I am so excited! I have a summer cold so my plan today is to curl up in my bed and read! I already ran some errands AND worked out so I just need to clean something and I can read all afternoon guilt free! I didn't sleep well last night (not sure that frappaccino was truly decaf). I also had an argument with Scott. Ugh. I hate it when right out of the blue he'll say something that hits a nerve that I didn't even know was sensitive and then BAM I overreact. Which he does not do well with. I apologized and he apologized but we need to talk. Here's the nerve he hit: well, several. One is that I am in a place where the kids are leaving home and I am redefining who I am. I'm so ready to try new things and be new, to sort of break free. And he's in a huge rut. I feel so squelched! Nerve two:I can't make ANY changes to the house, to myself, to my life without a comment from him. Last night I said I was going to get a pedicure on my birthday and he squalked. I threw a mini fit. Ok, maybe I threw a big fit. He said he's upset that I keep taking down his picures in the livingroom. I don't want pictures of soccer teams that he's coached 4 years ago in our livingroom. Nate Burkus on Oprah said our house is supposed to rise up to meet us when we walk in the door. Mine drags me down--way down--both of us. So much needs to be done that Scott is overwhelmed and frozen in inaction. God recently showed me that I need to do more with what I have instead of pining for something I don't have. So this summer I plan to clean more and do little things to improve the house. Tomorrow I am buying a new mailbox to replace the one that has been paintballed and the flag fell off and it is loose. Happy Anniversary honey! I also moved the John Lennon picture to a different wall and put up some of Leah's artwork. I will see if I can put it on here.