Friday, October 28, 2011
Perspective
After I hit "publish now" on my blogs, my perspective often changes. God does that, too, when I give things over to Him. "Moreover, let us be full of joy now, let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance. And endurance develops maturity of character (approved faith and tried integrity). And character produces the habit of joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation." Romans 5:3-4. Friday is the day I pray for healing. I have family members with Alzheimers, some with depression, some with horrible cancer, some with addictions, some who've lost a husband and father, many who don't have the love and comfort of Christ, and here I am stressing over a renovation. Perspective.
An Exercise in Patience
I have two major character flaws (and a bunch more but these are the ones God is honing right now): a lack of patience and inability to deal with change. I am NOT ungrateful. This renovation is really stretching me. When I talk about it seeking support and understanding, people are incredulous that I'm not focused on the end result. It comes down to these two basic flaws. The work seems to be moving at a snails pace. We started mid summer and the only thing complete is the upstairs bathroom. It is beautiful, I am really happy with it! Currently, I have been without a toilet on the main floor for more than six weeks. I tromp through the entire house to use the bathroom in the basement in the middle of the night. We have no water at all on the main floor now and will not for about 6 weeks. I tromp up the stairs to get water for coffee and for the dog bowl each morning. We cook in a microwave and eat on paper plates. I don't know why I can't pull the adventurous side of me out. Sometimes I can see the humor in it and I try to stay focused on the end result and the progress each day but I am struggling to near tears daily. The kitchen cabinets came in and they are beautiful, really, beautiful. We will love the island. We will love the triangle work space. But I didn't plan it well, there is no place to put the dishes near the dishwasher and the food pantry is far from the cooking area. When I packed up the old kitchen, I took about 3 trunk loads of stuff to give away. So the other night I started putting away dishes and food and unpacking boxes of kitchen stuff. I got the cabinets almost full and I was only about halfway through the boxes. I will have to be really creative and give away a bunch more stuff. I do like the idea of living with less things but this is stressful to sort out! I've had a stressful few weeks at work and I really need to have time to relax and take care of me. I haven't gotten to work out this week which is probably good because I fried my back dragging the kitchen floor to the dump wagon this last weekend. I know, its going to be great. I just want my toilet back. A sink on the main floor would be nice. Did I mention I don't like shopping or decorating? Only about 4 billion more decorating decisions to make and this will be done. I really do sound ungrateful, don't I? Character changes are hard. Pray for patience and flexibility for me please.
Monday, October 24, 2011
A Beautiful Fall Walk
I was exhausted when I got home today so decided to sleep as long as I could, even if I slept into my gym class. I woke up at 5:10 and had a snack then hitched up the dogs and took them for a walk around the park. Just a good, old fashioned walk. They are in terrible shape so they pulled and tugged and strained because they were so excited to get away from the contractor and all his banging and buzzing and get outside, but then they crapped out and strolled the rest of the way around city park. It was the perfect temperature and the big leaves were floating in the air and crunching at my feet.
Now I'm home sitting on the front porch away from the dust of the renovation. It is dusk and it is still warm. My phone said it was 83 degrees when I left work today. Now there is the perfect breeze. I still have on shorts and a t shirt. I have some real food on the grill and in the microwave (no soup or fast food tonight--we are living it up!)
Today was day one of Red Ribbon Week. I was so stressed out, but praise God, it all did turn out ok. We had a guest instructor from my gym teach the kids in 1st and 2nd hour PE some Body Jam. They were reluctant but then they really got into it! Then a gal from the Extension Office taught half the 8th graders to make a healthy snack. The other half of the 8th graders did yoga in they gym and I heard it was a giant hit. The 7th graders had a mental health lesson and a stress relief day where they had relaxation. Tomorrow its more of the same but turbo kick instead. Then Thursday I feed them oatmeal and Friday the all school party where we have special activities and sign a banner and give out toothbrushes and floss.
It was also safety week and we had a giant fire drill complete with smoke and a debriefing with the fire department. Tomorrow is a tornado drill, Wednesday an evacuation drill, Thursday lock out and Friday lock down. On top of this today we had a kid who faked a heart attack because she wanted to go home. Lovely, just lovely.
So, I am enjoying a little relaxation of my own on the front porch tonight. And I will enjoy those pork chops and sweet potato too.
Now I'm home sitting on the front porch away from the dust of the renovation. It is dusk and it is still warm. My phone said it was 83 degrees when I left work today. Now there is the perfect breeze. I still have on shorts and a t shirt. I have some real food on the grill and in the microwave (no soup or fast food tonight--we are living it up!)
Today was day one of Red Ribbon Week. I was so stressed out, but praise God, it all did turn out ok. We had a guest instructor from my gym teach the kids in 1st and 2nd hour PE some Body Jam. They were reluctant but then they really got into it! Then a gal from the Extension Office taught half the 8th graders to make a healthy snack. The other half of the 8th graders did yoga in they gym and I heard it was a giant hit. The 7th graders had a mental health lesson and a stress relief day where they had relaxation. Tomorrow its more of the same but turbo kick instead. Then Thursday I feed them oatmeal and Friday the all school party where we have special activities and sign a banner and give out toothbrushes and floss.
It was also safety week and we had a giant fire drill complete with smoke and a debriefing with the fire department. Tomorrow is a tornado drill, Wednesday an evacuation drill, Thursday lock out and Friday lock down. On top of this today we had a kid who faked a heart attack because she wanted to go home. Lovely, just lovely.
So, I am enjoying a little relaxation of my own on the front porch tonight. And I will enjoy those pork chops and sweet potato too.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
My Dad
Now I'm at my Dad's. Drove up here from Newton.
My Dad is doing great. He's settled in here at Aberdeen and even though he's lonely and doesn't feel a real connection to the people here yet (other than all the women who are crazy about him), he's making the best of it. He goes to swim aerobics three times a week and played golf with his old friends the last two weeks. He walks to the grocery store even though it is hard for him to find his way back to the same door.
Alzheimer's is interesting. It forces one to be really present in the now. Dad doesn't have much memory for 5 minutes ago, earlier today, or yesterday or last week. But he remembers random, insignificant facts, like that none of the kids or me used to like salad. I am so proud of how Dad copes with his memory loss--you can tell he used to be a manager because he constantly problem solves. He doesn't get impatient with himself when he can't remember. His personality has mellowed. He doesn't get snappy or stressed. He's kept his sense of humor and fun and is up for doing about anything. He just handles all these changes that have been thrust upon him. He is very loving and affectionate and appreciative. I enjoy spending time with him.
My Dad is doing great. He's settled in here at Aberdeen and even though he's lonely and doesn't feel a real connection to the people here yet (other than all the women who are crazy about him), he's making the best of it. He goes to swim aerobics three times a week and played golf with his old friends the last two weeks. He walks to the grocery store even though it is hard for him to find his way back to the same door.
Alzheimer's is interesting. It forces one to be really present in the now. Dad doesn't have much memory for 5 minutes ago, earlier today, or yesterday or last week. But he remembers random, insignificant facts, like that none of the kids or me used to like salad. I am so proud of how Dad copes with his memory loss--you can tell he used to be a manager because he constantly problem solves. He doesn't get impatient with himself when he can't remember. His personality has mellowed. He doesn't get snappy or stressed. He's kept his sense of humor and fun and is up for doing about anything. He just handles all these changes that have been thrust upon him. He is very loving and affectionate and appreciative. I enjoy spending time with him.
Today
So today I got up at 8 and got ready and drove to Newton to see Leah. Fall fest! I also knew my old friend, Lori, would be in town. We hadn't seen each other in 15 years and hadn't talked in that long too! I found her recently on facebook so that's how I knew she was coming to Newton. She lost her husband, Mike, also our friend from college, to a brain anuerism 4 1/2 years ago. Leah and I walked to Mojo's and ran into David on the way. I had amish egg casserole--yummy and a cinnamon roll that Leah had made and coffee. It was raining when we came out. I had called and texted Lori and no answer so we walked around and finally found her! It was as if no time at all had passed! She lives in New York--in the Hamptons. It sounds amazing--the beach, surrounded by farms and near enough to explore the city. She invited me to come next summer! We walked around and talked and listened to jazz in the tent and went to Mojo's with Leah and with Maggie, her neice, who is Leah's mod mate! It is a truly small world. I love friends that you can see after that long and take up right where you left off.
More USC
A zillion bikes and skateboards whizzing along wide sidewalks with brick decorations. Lots of fountains, trees, grass, flowers. Many asian students, lots of security guards. Joel lives by an interesting intersection that runs quickly through the cars' turns then a sound happens and all the pedestrians, skateboarders and bicylists go at once, including diagonally. There's a cool tree with intricate roots all sticking above ground. Joel walks by his friend Alicia, Marianne and Carly's apartment on the way to his and he stops in often when they are home. They are nice, friendly girls. Joel's roommates are Sam, who is dark haired and wears put together, pressed clothes, perfect hair, shaved and has a sassy side. Nate is small and wears dark glasses and is very sweet and funny. Forrest is unshaven like Joel and is in interactive with Joel.
Today I sat in the perfect, sunny weather on a bench on campus near perfectly groomed green grass and watched Joel play quidditch. I enjoyed it very much. Lots of interesting people walked by--asian guys in suits with briefcases and cell phones. Skater guys on trick bikes with the giant earrings in their earlobes. Girls in low cut tops and mini skirts. Guys in pajama pants. A girl with a case of beer. And lots of regular looking college kids too.
After quidditch we walked over to Chipotle which I'd eaten at before when I came with Joel to orientation. The prices were a full dollar lower than at home! We sat outside and Juan came down (he lives upstairs of Chipotle). I liked him very much. He is older, has been in the army. Joel stayed with him this summer. He looks out for Joel. We walked to the cinema school lab and watched the short film that Joel and Juan made recently starring Joel. It starts in a forest with Joel looking around and he finds a table. When he puts his hand on the table, he is transported to a beach! The table is there so he touches it again and transports to a parking garage. He touches it successively and is transported each time to a different location instantly--one of which was a glass sided elevator going down!
We walked back to the apartment and sat around with Nate, Forrest and Alicia who were studying then Joel and I sat by the pool where we napped and I read. It was a tiny bit cool so we changed to jeans and walked to catch the shuttle to downtown LA to watch a movie--only the shuttle wasn't running! We walked to Dominoes and got pizza and sat outside the Zumekis center and ate. We walked back to the apartment and stopped by to visit awhile with the girls and Nate and Forrest were there too. We went back to the apartment and Joel played smash brothers.
Today I sat in the perfect, sunny weather on a bench on campus near perfectly groomed green grass and watched Joel play quidditch. I enjoyed it very much. Lots of interesting people walked by--asian guys in suits with briefcases and cell phones. Skater guys on trick bikes with the giant earrings in their earlobes. Girls in low cut tops and mini skirts. Guys in pajama pants. A girl with a case of beer. And lots of regular looking college kids too.
After quidditch we walked over to Chipotle which I'd eaten at before when I came with Joel to orientation. The prices were a full dollar lower than at home! We sat outside and Juan came down (he lives upstairs of Chipotle). I liked him very much. He is older, has been in the army. Joel stayed with him this summer. He looks out for Joel. We walked to the cinema school lab and watched the short film that Joel and Juan made recently starring Joel. It starts in a forest with Joel looking around and he finds a table. When he puts his hand on the table, he is transported to a beach! The table is there so he touches it again and transports to a parking garage. He touches it successively and is transported each time to a different location instantly--one of which was a glass sided elevator going down!
We walked back to the apartment and sat around with Nate, Forrest and Alicia who were studying then Joel and I sat by the pool where we napped and I read. It was a tiny bit cool so we changed to jeans and walked to catch the shuttle to downtown LA to watch a movie--only the shuttle wasn't running! We walked to Dominoes and got pizza and sat outside the Zumekis center and ate. We walked back to the apartment and stopped by to visit awhile with the girls and Nate and Forrest were there too. We went back to the apartment and Joel played smash brothers.
Joel
Oh, Joel, I am so proud of you! You came across the US to places completely unknown and made a great place for yourself. You have such nice roommates, kind, approachable, comfortable and you have tons of great friends who appreciate you for who you are. You have welcomed me here with open arms and made my stay comfortable and enjoyable. You made a cozy place for me to sleep (in the closet) and knowing you, you were providing me with the very best since you love to sleep in closets! I love that your apartment is quiet, relaxing, serene, even mostly clean! (Except your room, of course). Last night when you wer filming your thriller video with your roommates, it was just like when you used to play pretend and giggle with your friends only now you have a real camera and lights You are so in your element. And I love that you are on the quidditch team! So perfect! I'm proud of you for pursuing this fraternity (co-ed--also so you) and being a part of a social community. You make great choices! You are an amzing person. I'm proud to be your mom.
LA Treasures Conference
About noon, got in the taxi at USC and off I went on the 405 freeway and then the 101, past the Hollywood sign on the hill to Van Nuys Blvd. I ate lunch in the cab and looked at sights and watched the video posted on the back of the seat. The taxi got to the address and I swiped my credit card ($60!) and he gave me my suitcase and left. I looked around and saw nothing. I finally found a sign that had fallen over. I was in the right place! I went upstairs and registered and waited and talked to the gal at the table. Other women started showing up. I had worn the right clothes--my jeans and flat shoes and fluffy blouse. About 25 women were there but no one sat by me. We introduced ourselves and everyone else were from larger cities. Most had come in groups but a few came alone. Some where women who had worked in the sex industry. We were all there for a purpose--to reach out to girls in the clubs who are hurting and need Jesus.
I was distracted from the start having just left Joel at USC, all that is going on at home with my parents, and not feeling real well from a cold. They talked about the ministry and the outreach and I couldn't concentrate well. I was concerned about how I would get back to the hotel for the break. I needed food and rest and to regroup and freshen up. When they started talking about the actual outreach and what we would see in the clubs--full nudity, lap dances, and that we'd be going into "hostess clubs" or brothels, I started to feel afraid. What in the world was I doing here? I wanted to skip the outreach part and I considered just staying at the hotel. So when the afternoon ended, I stood up and asked if anyone was going to the hotel. A lady Pastor said she was so I rode back. I tried to rest, called home to check on Dad, ate some food from the vending machine and washed my face and changed into a black jacket and my boots and jeans and went back to the Treasures office. I still felt distracted and scared and did NOT want to see anyone doing a naked lap dance!
When I got there, there was a gal sitting alone and I remembered she'd said she'd been in the industry previously and she'd come alone too. She looked terrified. I went over to her and asked if she was ok. She said she wanted to leave, that she wasn't like the other girls and she had no idea why she was there. I told her I felt the exact same way! I started saying all the exact things I need to hear myself--that God wanted her there for a reason and that He knew what her purpose was--maybe she could reach the girls no one else could! Then another girl, Sharon, who was all put together and confident looking came over and said she was scared too! We all prayed together. We all worshipped as a group and it helped me focus some and calm down some. Then we all stood and they asked for volunteers to pray. Usually, God lays it on my heart to pray but for some reason, He didn't at all that weekend. We prayed for the bouncers, managers, house moms, the team, the girls on the team who'd be going back into the clubs for the first time after leaving the industry, all the girls in the clubs and over the gifts bags themselves. They told us that we were to just give the gifts to the girls and express unconditional love toward them. I felt weird about this because I was leaving and would never see them again but they explained that we were to gain trust for Treasures in general.
We divided up into two shuttles. One would go to downtown LA and mine was headed to Hollywood, Sunset Strip and West LA. I was excited to see these places I've never been. I sat on the shuttle with Sharon, a neat gal who is head of a ministry that encourages women to be in the Word. I shared my story with her and tried to stay focused but I did keep breaking their rules by texting the family.
We paired up and took turns going into the clubs to give the gifts to the girls. The bags had lip gloss, cool earrings and a card with the website on it that just said, "You are loved, you are valued and you are a treasure." I went up to the club doors twice but never went in. We were 100% successful at getting all our gift bags accepted. Some of the girls were able to go inside the clubs. Harmony was able to have a good conversation with one of the dancers who told her she would for sure call the number. One of the former dancers in the shuttle shared how freeing it was to have gone back into the club after leaving the industry 17 years ago.
At the second club, I looked in as the door opened just for a moment and saw the girls projected in sillouette on a large screen and I realized that God wasn't going to have me go in to the club for a reason. Having grown up with a dad who had difficulty showing me love and then going through the divorce, the promiscuity (even though I saved actual intercourse until college) and the abortion, I feel like I am just now healing as a fully sexual person. I am really for the first time truly understanding how wonderful married sex can be. I think that God didn't want to ruin that.
The second day of the conference, I learned tons. The biggest thing I learned is that when mentoring these girls who have such incredible, overwhelming needs, we don't have to have the answers nor do we need to take responsibility for their recovery. God will do a work in them and transform them. Our role is to love them unconditionally, model healthy boundaries, be there for them consistently, and point them to God. Period. This was so freeing to me.
I am not sure what my role will be other than to take this information back to the ladies at the church and to train them to do this outreach and to mentor hurting women. I also think that the info will be really valuable to Mary in her jail ministry. And maybe the two ministries can combine. I could see myself facilitating support groups for the women and debriefing the teams, maybe even providing consultation to the mentors. I will pray and wait and see.
I was distracted from the start having just left Joel at USC, all that is going on at home with my parents, and not feeling real well from a cold. They talked about the ministry and the outreach and I couldn't concentrate well. I was concerned about how I would get back to the hotel for the break. I needed food and rest and to regroup and freshen up. When they started talking about the actual outreach and what we would see in the clubs--full nudity, lap dances, and that we'd be going into "hostess clubs" or brothels, I started to feel afraid. What in the world was I doing here? I wanted to skip the outreach part and I considered just staying at the hotel. So when the afternoon ended, I stood up and asked if anyone was going to the hotel. A lady Pastor said she was so I rode back. I tried to rest, called home to check on Dad, ate some food from the vending machine and washed my face and changed into a black jacket and my boots and jeans and went back to the Treasures office. I still felt distracted and scared and did NOT want to see anyone doing a naked lap dance!
When I got there, there was a gal sitting alone and I remembered she'd said she'd been in the industry previously and she'd come alone too. She looked terrified. I went over to her and asked if she was ok. She said she wanted to leave, that she wasn't like the other girls and she had no idea why she was there. I told her I felt the exact same way! I started saying all the exact things I need to hear myself--that God wanted her there for a reason and that He knew what her purpose was--maybe she could reach the girls no one else could! Then another girl, Sharon, who was all put together and confident looking came over and said she was scared too! We all prayed together. We all worshipped as a group and it helped me focus some and calm down some. Then we all stood and they asked for volunteers to pray. Usually, God lays it on my heart to pray but for some reason, He didn't at all that weekend. We prayed for the bouncers, managers, house moms, the team, the girls on the team who'd be going back into the clubs for the first time after leaving the industry, all the girls in the clubs and over the gifts bags themselves. They told us that we were to just give the gifts to the girls and express unconditional love toward them. I felt weird about this because I was leaving and would never see them again but they explained that we were to gain trust for Treasures in general.
We divided up into two shuttles. One would go to downtown LA and mine was headed to Hollywood, Sunset Strip and West LA. I was excited to see these places I've never been. I sat on the shuttle with Sharon, a neat gal who is head of a ministry that encourages women to be in the Word. I shared my story with her and tried to stay focused but I did keep breaking their rules by texting the family.
We paired up and took turns going into the clubs to give the gifts to the girls. The bags had lip gloss, cool earrings and a card with the website on it that just said, "You are loved, you are valued and you are a treasure." I went up to the club doors twice but never went in. We were 100% successful at getting all our gift bags accepted. Some of the girls were able to go inside the clubs. Harmony was able to have a good conversation with one of the dancers who told her she would for sure call the number. One of the former dancers in the shuttle shared how freeing it was to have gone back into the club after leaving the industry 17 years ago.
At the second club, I looked in as the door opened just for a moment and saw the girls projected in sillouette on a large screen and I realized that God wasn't going to have me go in to the club for a reason. Having grown up with a dad who had difficulty showing me love and then going through the divorce, the promiscuity (even though I saved actual intercourse until college) and the abortion, I feel like I am just now healing as a fully sexual person. I am really for the first time truly understanding how wonderful married sex can be. I think that God didn't want to ruin that.
The second day of the conference, I learned tons. The biggest thing I learned is that when mentoring these girls who have such incredible, overwhelming needs, we don't have to have the answers nor do we need to take responsibility for their recovery. God will do a work in them and transform them. Our role is to love them unconditionally, model healthy boundaries, be there for them consistently, and point them to God. Period. This was so freeing to me.
I am not sure what my role will be other than to take this information back to the ladies at the church and to train them to do this outreach and to mentor hurting women. I also think that the info will be really valuable to Mary in her jail ministry. And maybe the two ministries can combine. I could see myself facilitating support groups for the women and debriefing the teams, maybe even providing consultation to the mentors. I will pray and wait and see.
USC
Went to see Joel in LA last weekend and blogged in my journal--will copy it here:
This is such a unique place. The busy-ness reminds me of New York--constant traffic, tons of people always moving but more bikes and pedestrians and skateboards. The grocery store reminded me of Mexico City--about as many hispanic folks and spanish being spoken and limited selection and dirty floors. The prices were low, too, expecially the produce which makes sense. The people here are unique--all fashion forward--not dressy, just edgy, cooler. The weather is amazing--right about skin temp--a little warmer in the afternoon and a little cooler in the evening. No more that a light breeze ever and often its perfectly still. There are palm trees and stucco buildings and flowers and food trucks and lots of sunshine (and smog this morning).
Visit so far: Getting to the airport, parking and flight were perfect--I even had a great nap on the plane with no one sitting next to me. Joel met me on the corner where the shuttle dropped me off and we walked to his apartment. It's above the pool and is very quiet, simple, serene. His rommates are calm and quiet and nice. Right when I arrived, the USC housing people came around with an adorable beagle dog who was sniffing for bed bugs. Interesting. We relaxed then walked about half an hour and had a nice breakfast at Jacks and Jo. We stopped by one of Joel's class buildings on the way back then rested at the apartment. He went to class and I napped then we walked to the grocery store. The lady in front of my had two credit cards decline so I paid for her groceries--about $50. Ours turned out to be about half as much as I'd estimated so that was cool. We got back to Joel's apartment and went to Joel's friend Alicia's apartment so they could inteview each other for a frat assignment. I tagged along. He's very busy. He's at class now so I'm people watching.
This is such a unique place. The busy-ness reminds me of New York--constant traffic, tons of people always moving but more bikes and pedestrians and skateboards. The grocery store reminded me of Mexico City--about as many hispanic folks and spanish being spoken and limited selection and dirty floors. The prices were low, too, expecially the produce which makes sense. The people here are unique--all fashion forward--not dressy, just edgy, cooler. The weather is amazing--right about skin temp--a little warmer in the afternoon and a little cooler in the evening. No more that a light breeze ever and often its perfectly still. There are palm trees and stucco buildings and flowers and food trucks and lots of sunshine (and smog this morning).
Visit so far: Getting to the airport, parking and flight were perfect--I even had a great nap on the plane with no one sitting next to me. Joel met me on the corner where the shuttle dropped me off and we walked to his apartment. It's above the pool and is very quiet, simple, serene. His rommates are calm and quiet and nice. Right when I arrived, the USC housing people came around with an adorable beagle dog who was sniffing for bed bugs. Interesting. We relaxed then walked about half an hour and had a nice breakfast at Jacks and Jo. We stopped by one of Joel's class buildings on the way back then rested at the apartment. He went to class and I napped then we walked to the grocery store. The lady in front of my had two credit cards decline so I paid for her groceries--about $50. Ours turned out to be about half as much as I'd estimated so that was cool. We got back to Joel's apartment and went to Joel's friend Alicia's apartment so they could inteview each other for a frat assignment. I tagged along. He's very busy. He's at class now so I'm people watching.
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