Beating This!

My life is a whirlwind as I adjust to and anticipate changes ahead. I have wrapped my brain around this cancer thing and have beaten it. I am making some lifestyle changes to my diet (giving up sugar, white flour, white rice, white potatoes, processed food, chemicals, articial sweeteners, DAIRY, and increasing fruits and veggies. I've always exercised so going into surgery physically strong helped a lot. I think going into radiation strong is good too. I met with the radiation doctors and have one more appointment to get everything ready then I'll start a few days after that. It's Monday through Friday for 33 treatments total, so about 6 and a half weeks. Side effects are bad sunburn and fatigue but only more toward the end. So doable. Plus I grabbed the 730 am time so I'll do it on the way to work. I'll have to miss FCA for 6 weeks which makes me sad but that time works so well. So the plan is, do the radiation, have the grandbaby, due April 9, wrap up the school year, go on a trip with a Mom, then have a giant party. I'll have an elective surgery after that then start seeing clients at CouserLapo mid June. I'm leaving out some more BIG news for another blog post. I also met this week with the oncologist about Tomoxifen, a drug I will take for 5 years to block the estrogen receptors in the cells in my breast, preventing having to go through this again. I'm a bit less enthusiastic about this as the main side effects are increased hot flashes and weight gain. I start that drug after I recover from radiation. Let me try to describe a hot flash if you've never had one. If you've ever sat in a sauna, it's the feeling after you've been in there awhile just before you break a sweat. So for me, whenever I have an intense feeling, I have a hot flash. My face gets super hot and my pores feel like pin prickles. My body temp goes up all over. And I can't sweat. I'm already experiencing those since having to go off my estrogen. And I'm just vain enough that the weight gain makes me angry. But considering the alternative, I'll gladly take all of this. And I remember to be very very grateful that this is all I have to go through. Lifting up in prayer all those ladies who have a way worse battle than I've had.

I'm so very done with all religion. And church. Yet I can't remember a time when I've been closer to Jesus. What? How does that make sense? How can I be done with church and be so very involved in mine? As I study Jesus, He was also done with religion and religious people. He was constantly calling them out. If He were here on earth in the flesh with us right now, I believe He'd be calling them out right now too. All judgement,shoulds, be like us, think like us, look like us, us and them. Such religion is based on fear. I lived that way for way too long. I felt Gods love and forgiveness, i was even fully submitted. I put God in a box and applied my human understanding of what I thought He wanted for me and for others. I thought it was my responsibility to save people. Get them in the circle with us so they won't perish! This is what was being preached to me from the pulpit, from godly people I loved. This is not the Jesus I know now. I know I still have such a limited view of Him. It's such a personal relationship, it's so hard to put into words. An analogy that I heard recently is that He's like the sun and we are like planets and stars surrounding Him, moving closer and away, all in different positions around Him. He draws us closer and as He does, all the stuff that isn't of Him is burned off. We reflect His light. When we move further away, we experience darkness. It is only our responsibility to be in His Presence and reflect His light. Love others as He loves us. That's it! That's all it is! So simple! So church becomes a place to encourage and love others. And to worship Him. To draw closer to Him with others. Nothing more. To hear encouragement. Acceptance. Because that is how He loves. He loves and accepts everyone. He longs for relationship with everyone. People don't pretend to be something they are not at my church. No masks. We struggle together and support each other and connect with each other. Yes, I still believe there is a Truth, a way to live that is best. But it isn't my job to figure out what that is, not for others, not even for me. As I walk with Him and learn about Him and become more like Him, I find freedom and peace and joy. I find confidence and strength. I find grace and mercy and so much love. His ways become easy. I feel no condemnation. When I sin, I recognize it. He speaks His Truth to me personally, gently, lovingly, and makes it so easy for me to accept His forgiveness and walk in His ways. I do believe His ways are best. Because I experience it. All the rest just burns away.

Recovery and Post Op

The recovery process has been great, sprinkled with praises, encouragement, rest, and limited activities. I even sang (on stage) Sunday at church! The first few days Leah helped out and Emmet gave me lots of love. The second day I removed the bandages and was very pleased with how things look. Praise God! The doctor's office called and said the pathology report looked good, the margins look good and they got it all. This is super good news. Post op meeting with the doctor confirmed all these good reports. I expressed my gratitude to Dr. Paul's and he gave me a hug. So next steps are meeting with the radiology doctor and the oncologist. We are gonna have a celebration when all this is done but there is sooo much to be grateful for. Please keep all those who are going through this is your prayers, especially those who have a harder battle on their hands. And ladies if you haven't had a mammogram, schedule it right now! Thank you all for your prayers and support. Love you!

Surgery Day and Love

The love and support I have experienced in the last month has been nothing short of miraculous.  Truly.  I can't remember a time in my life when I felt so loved.  

Wednesday morning when I was doing my quiet time, I felt pretty emotional and raw .  All along I've felt hopeful and strong.  I've had so many people to talk to about this, people to listen, encourage and be there for me and sage wisdom from people who've been through it. Love. The homestead girls prayed over me.  That was so precious for me. Love.  My office is filled with inspiring plaques, some hand made that people have brought me.  Love.   One co worker brought a flower and on the card it said, you are strong and beautiful, exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment.  Another put a basket together with all sunshine themed gifts.  I can't even begin to specifically mention all the love I've been shown in all the variety of ways.

 As the day went on Wednesday, the love and encouragement, kind words, and hugs cheered me up.  Then Leah coming with Emmet was perfect.  

Wednesday during the day I had a conflict with a coworker and it was extremely stressful and obviously very bad timing.  That afternoon the doorbell rang and there she stood with flowers.  We hugged.  Few words were spoken.  Love.

Thursday, surgery day, my alarm went off at 5:30.  I slept ok, had looked over my prayers for strength before bed and did a guided body scan meditation when I woke once. 

Took my bath and took off all my jewelry, etc, had some prayer time, and really wished for my coffee.  Scott had cleaned up the kitchen and picked up around the house after I went to bed last night.  Love. Then we trudged through the ice and snow out to the car.  Scott was stressed about the ice since Leah would be walking on it so he shoveled and put salt down.  In the car on the way there, I thought about all that would be on his plate today, being there for me, driving in the ice, toting Leah and my mom around, waiting, entertaining Emmet.  He put his hand on my shoulder in the car, quietly.  Love.

 645 Arrived at the Women's imaging Center and checked in.  I changed and when left alone for a couple minutes the tears came.  I have been through a lot of minor surgeries so felt prepared for that but have not been prepared for the emotions because of this intimate surgery.  

So while we waited for the doctor, my new friend, Jacquie, the nurse, hung out and chatted with me to distract me.  Love.  

The procedure itself, to insert the guide wires for the surgeon, was difficult for me.  I sat up and my breast was clamped into the mammogram machine, two gals and a nice doctor I hadn't met previously helping me.  When the doctor gave me the shots to numb my breast, it hurt and more tears came and kept coming.  Jacquie asked me several times if I was ok, and the other gal just put her hand on mine and kept it there throughout the procedure.  Love.

They put in the wire which was more like a fishing wire, taped it down, bandaged it up, and I got dressed and headed for the hospital.  As I left the doctor said, this is just a bump in the road.  Love.

I texted Pastor Dave who still planned to drive from his home all the way in timber creek to come be with me.  Love.  And texted Leah, six months pregnant and with toddler Emmet, and my mom who turns 87 this week, also getting ready to come out in the weather to be with me.  Love.  And I read up and replied to the many friends from work, Homestead, TRU,  CourserLapo, family, and others who were expressing their love and prayers through texts. Love.

Checked in at the hospital and my nurse, Angela, got me ready started the IV.  She was calm and kind.  Love. Scott went back out into the weather to pick up the girls.  Love.

Leah and Scott and Emmet and Mom arrived.  Emmet looked around the room then came to the side of the bed and put his arms up.  Leah put him on the bed and he gently laid against me, put his little arms around me and his head on my shoulder and just held me.  Wow.  Love.  He did this two times before the surgery and again after.  Such love. 

The surgeon, Dr. Pauls, came to see me, reassured me and agreed to also remove an ugly mole from my breast.  Love.  He also said he didn't think he'd have to take out a lot.  Answer to prayers!  The nice anesthesiologist also came to reassure me.  Love.

Then my friend from TRU, Louisa, walked in.  Louisa is the main OR nurse.  When she found out I was having surgery on a day she wasn't scheduled to work, she drove from St george in this terrible weather and clocked in, just to care for me.  Crazy love.  And she put her lucky surgery cap on me.  Love.

Leah was standing by my bed and put my hand on her pregnant tummy and I felt grandson #2 move for the first time.  Love!!

Pastor Dave arrived just in time and everyone gathered around and holding hands, he prayed a sweet, faithful, simple reassuring prayer.  Love.

Louisa wheeled me back to surgery after putting a warm blanket on me.  They put on an oxygen mask and said goodnight.  I didn't have to go all the way under.  I was given a sedative that would erase my memory.  

Then I woke up and Louisa wheeled me back to my room.  My family came in and I got more hugs and love.  Emmet and I shared some water and toast.  My mom said some very sweet things to me.  I asked if her if she loves me even though I give her so much shit and she said she loves my shit.  Love.

Louisa said that in the surgery I raised my praise arms! And I apparently told her I dreamt that my doggie Rex came in and laid by my feet.  

Having them all in my recovery room was pretty overwhelming so I said so and they left.  Love.  I fell into the most amazing rest.  I was between sleep and awake but my body was the most relaxed I think I've ever been.  When I woke up, the nurse took hardly any time at all to get me ready to go home.

More people texted love and prayers and encouragement.  When I got home, the doorbell kept ringing with flower deliveries.  I'm not kidding, this has been unbelievable!

I slept until 3 and got up and hung out more with Leah and Emmet and Scott.  Leah made dinner for us.  Love.

All of this love makes me know even deeper how much God loves me beyond anything I could ever imagine.  I have never doubted that I am going to be ok.  He said that He will never leave me.  god answers prayers!  I know all this and I want to shout it from the mountaintops.  I want to pay forward all this love that has been shown to me.  I am overflowing with love.

Wait and See

I am in a time of waiting. My surgery is scheduled for this Thursday. Ifeel God's Presence and peace with me as I wait. I know it is all going to be ok. I've had time to process all of this, to wrap my head around it. There are times when I feel sadness. There are times when I feel it is all surreal. But mostly I feel peace. And love!  People are amazing!  I feel so incredibly loved and supported!  It is unreal!  Every day, several times a day, someone sends a message of encouragement or a gift or a hug.
So I wait and see. How much needs to be removed?  How will I tolerate the radiation?  How will I tolerate the tomixifen?  How much will be life be affected? I am hearing encouraging things about all of these.
In the meantime, God is with me. He assures me I will be fine, I will be healed. He grows me even in the midst of this. I am realizing now more than ever that people need each other. As I go through my day, I look around for others who maybe carrying burdens and I reach out as others have reached out to me.
And I wait.

Christmas 2018

I feel so very blessed.  This has been such an amazing time with the family, I can't even begin to capture it, but I shall try.

We will start with Christmas at Lake Wabaunsee with Larry and Jo, Bonnie and her family and Shari and her family, most of them.  Leah came with Dave and Emmet.  And Hannah got in from Denver.  We love our lake Christmas traditions, games, laughter, good food, silliness, and pictures.  

Then the Smith family Christmas.  Missed Jackie this year and face timed with TJ.  We had all of the Clark's there including the Gaedderts and my Mom made the trip, too.  Always good food and good to see everyone.

At the house we've had lots of great time together.  Emmet has been adorable and fun and so sweet.  He has given me the sweetest hugs including patting my arm.  He asks to come up.  He let's me comfort him.  Today he even slept on me for 45 minutes!  Some truly cute moments were his sound like a quack that is more of a growl.  Adorable!  And at dinner tonight he kept trying to blow out the fake tea light candles.  He gives Rex the cutest gentle air kisses and hugs.  He is so smart!  He figured out to get a light up ball to light by banging it on the table then he'd put it down between the couches where it was dark so he could see it better.  He did this for 20 minutes straight.  I didn't get to see butEmmet  played in his first snow.

We are also having a cooking contest which has been amazing and such a blessing as I haven't had to cook or do dishes except on our night!  We started with Scott and I making salmon (two kinds), smashed Yukon potatoes, roasted asparagus, and Carmel Apple pie.  Last night Leah and David made jalepeño cream cheese bacon wrapped venison steaks, cheesy sweet potatoes, and grilled asparagus.  Tonight Hannah and Kent made Buddha bowls with quinoa, sweet potatoes,avaca do and various other veggies.  They let me custom make mine.  Dessert was orNges and pomegranate with whipped topping.  Tomorrow Joel is making eggs Benedict for brunch.  Who will win?

We had julie here overnight and it's been good to have my mom in town so she can come and go as she likes.  Larry and Jo stopped by today, Jon and Brogan came for dinner one night and Dave and Lisa stopped by yesterday.

We've been playing some amazing games, too.  We've played Code Names a couple of times, Cards Against Humanity, and One Night Ultimate Werewolf.  That one is fun, sort of a role play thing like mafia.  The kids and Scott have played a haunted mansion game and another strategy game where you build a castle.  More games to come later tonight!  Then Leah and Dave leave and Hannah, Kent, and Joel stay til the 29th!  It's gonna be hard when they leave!  Joel said he won't let me spoil him because it's too hard when he goes back!

We opened gifts this morning and it was very special.  Everyone's gifts were so thoughtful including Jole who didn't shop but wrote sweet notes and made unique meaningful promises to each of us.  Emmet loved his Trucks and especially the light up guitar.  Leah approved of his adorable chucks and his boys will be good humans shirt.  And the kids liked their cash.  

The C Word

Wednesday, Dec. 6.  At work.  Phone rings.  This is the Women's Imaging Center.  The radiologist read your recent x ray and would like to take a closer look.  Can you come back in for some repeat pictures?  Sure.  Can you come in today at 10:30?  Ok.  I wasn't sure what to think.  I mentioned it to Mary and Angela and they looked concerned and I slipped out the door.   

Repeated the mammogram.  Didn't joke around with her like I usually do.  She said, stay un dressed in case we need more, the radiologist is going to read them now.  I text Scott and Mom.  The gal, Jackie, shows me the mammogram.  There are a series of tiny spots that look like sparkles.  She said the radiologist is going to come talk to you now.  Now?  He comes in.  All serious.  Says I have calcifications in a duct.  I had three last year they were so unconcerned about they didn't mention them.  I have 7 this year.  Wants me to come in next Wednesday for a needle biopsy.  What?  80% of these come back normal! he says.  They give me all kinds of instructions.  I call Scott on the way back to work.  The afternoon is a blur.  Can't concentrate.  I tell a couple of people.  When I get home, I walk in the door and into Scott's arms and joke with him, if I have to give up a boob, you have to give up a ball. 

Needle biopsy, Wednesday, Dec 13.  My job is so stressful I'm actually looking forward to the day off.  That's not good.  I am sleeping in when Tracy calls and wakes me up with a question anyone else could have answered.  Did I forget to tell him about the biopsy?  No.  I text another person to take care of it.  I get up and do my quiet time and take my bath.  Scott comes home from a meeting to take me up there, back to the Women's imaging center.  Jackie takes us in the room.  The machine is there, looks like a regular mammogram machine.  She has me change into the gown, takes Scott out into the hallway and shows him where to wait.  She does yet another mammogram.  Then she lays me down on my side facing the machine, my arm under a pillow, and gives me something to squeeze.  We laugh because she has to tape my left boob back out of the way.  I tell her to cover up my back fat.  She cleans off my breast and puts me in the mammogram machine.  Not too tight.  The doctor comes in, says he is coming over where I can see him to introduce himself.  His face looks kind.  He touches my arm gently, caringly, then I close my eyes as he puts in a series of shots to numb my breast.  Hurts a tiny bit.  Then he goes back over by the screen and I close my eyes again (or do I just imagine) a big needle, more like a drill bit, come down out of the machine and bore into my breast.  I'm actually in a field of flowers in my mind.  They keep talking to me and it distracts me, I want to stay in the field.  When they say I'm done, I open my eyes and my boob is dripping blood and the machine is bloody.  Jackie pushes the cot away and presses on my breast to stop the bleeding.  She says this is the worst part.  She puts a huge ball of gauze and then two giant pieces of tape across my boob that cover everything except the nipple.  Nifty.  Now I can get dressed and go home.  With ice in my bra, too.  

We run some errands and then have a regular day at home.  Heather comes for supervision.  My boob starts aching that evening.  I take ibuprofen.  Sleep ok.  Taking a bath and not getting all that wet the next day was interesting.  And all day at work with a giant, swollen, taped up boob.  I take all that off Friday morning.

Friday, December 15.  Results day.  I leave work early and Scott and Mom meet me at the house.  I call Women's Imaging at 145.  They take a message.  I had a choice of who to get my results from and arrange for it to be dr. Welle, the radiologist rather than getting a random call from Dr. sutton, the gynecologist as I've only seen her once anyway.  I want to be in control.  Dr. Welle calls me back.  Says I have mixed results.  DCIS, not cancer, 100 curable, but need to meet with a surgeon.  They usually do a lumpectomy and then I'll be fine.  Hum.  My Mom starts listing all the people she knows who've had this.  I bark at her.  She and Scott talk about other things then she leaves.  I take a nap then Scott and I walk the konza.  We talk some.  I cry some.  We hug a couple of times.  Not sure what to think. I google DCIS.  Means carcinoma.  Trying to wrap my brain around all this.  I call the kids, tell them.

Monday, December 18.  At work.  Phone rings, Women's Health Group.  Dr. Sutton. Wants to know if it's a good time to talk.  I tell her I got my results.  Tell her what he said.  She says, you have breast cancer.  Starts talking about lymph nodes and options and recurrence.  Says radiation, chemotherapy, mastectomy.  I somehow gather my thoughts and ask her about my hormones. She says stop taking them.  I hang up and lose my shit.  Sobbing, I run to Angie, the school nurse.  She hugs me.  She talks sense to me, tells me to hang onto what the radiologist said.  I go back to my office, motion for Mary.  She comes, closes the door, holds me, tells me to take the rest of the day off.  Starts shutting my lights off.  I ask her to go get Angela.  She comes, closes the door.  I am sitting, leaning on her, her arms around me, I cry super hard, say I don't want to do this.  She says the sweetest prayer.  I grab my stuff, call Scott from the parking lot.  He and Hannah are heading out on the Konza but turn back and meet me at the house.  They get all philosophical, talk like they know a bunch about all this.  Pisses me off.  I take a nap exhausted.  I did need that cry.  When I wake up, they are gone.  I text them.  They wait and I join them on the konza.  Good place for processing all this.  

During the wait, I tell tons of people.  This is how I deal with things.  I get tons of support and love.  I've gotten notes, cards, hugs, texts just exactly when I've needed them.  It sounds weird to say it, I've got breast cancer.

Friday,  December 22, 3:15. Met with Dr. Paul's, surgeon.  Scott stays in the room for the breast exam which was awkward.  Then the doctor discusses the options which aren't really optional.  A lumpectomy and then six weeks of radiation, Monday through Friday, 20 minutes each time, then a drug called Tomaxifen for 5 years.  This is a super mild chemo in pill form that blocks estrogen.  The lumpectomy isn't supposed to be disfiguring, just maybe a big dent.  Then he will check the edges to be sure they got it all.  A mastectomy isn't medically necessary or beneficial due to how early we caught it and how contained it is, as well as the type.  After all that, there is only a tiny 2 % chance it will ever return. So all of this is good news.  I am definetely grateful and thanking Him. 

The hardest part besides the scary call from the doctor has been going off my hormones.  I feel like my emotions are intensified.  I feel irritable, agitated.  This is the main reason I went on hormones, that and night sweats and sleeplessness.  My hormones had changed a year or so ago and I never got settled on these new ones.  And the Tomaxifen is supposed to make those symptoms worse.  Ugh.  I am praying about that and that my body will adjust quickly to no hormones and that my emotions will settle down.

Through it all, I have felt peace.  God has been speaking to me as He always has, telling me it is going to be ok.  I knew deep down from the start that I would only have to do a lumpectomy.  He gave me the above verse one morning after a couple of sleepless nights.  He reminded me of His faithfulness to me, all the amazing blessings He's given me and all the times he's walked with me through difficult times.  He meets me right where I am again and again.  He has never and will never fail me.  Or leave me.  This verse helped so much because I realize my faith is in His faithfulness.  It isn't a feeling.  It's a knowing.  This frees me to feel whatever I feel.  If I feel like crying just because I have to go through this, it isn't a lack of faith.  He understands.  

Meanwhile I have a friend who also had a needle biopsy and got similar, maybe slightly less good results.  I think of her and will go through this with her which helps.  And I think of others who have been down this road only rougher, chemo, no hair.  I think of Debbie who lost her battle.  And Larry who lost his.  I think of Aubree and her epic brave ongoing battle, and I feel courage, strength and gratitude.  

So with the support of my family, my friends, and my Big Big God, I plan to kick this C word right in the ASS.