Big News!

Big News Having breast cancer changes everything. Even if the kind I had wasn't life threatening, being told I have cancer has changed my perspective completely. First, I've never felt the kind of love and support that I've experienced in the last two months. I truly want to love and support others the way I've been loved. To pay it forward. And because it truly helps. A kind word, a note, a hug, a thoughtful gift or flower or text or favor. It lifts my spirits, brings me a smile, a peaceful feeling, joy. I never feel alone. My stress level has been lower. It's really indescribable. I want to be there for others the way they've been there for me. Second, the things that were important aren't anymore. Like scrolling through Facebook. Like getting everything on my to do list done. Third, things I put off, I realize are very important. I have so many people I want to be closer to, to form a deeper friendship with. We have people we want to have over but we never have the time or energy. We have family we hardly ever see. My Mom needs me more. Over Christmas, Leah said she needs me more. She's pregnant and is trying to run a business and Emmet is a busy boy. And I really want to see them more. I never see my Dad. I've never been to refuel, our Wednesday nights at TRU! Fourth, School social work is challenging. It's tiring. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. I love it very much. And it's changing. But I feel like I'm running around putting out fires, putting bandaids on things, providing short term solutions. I want to go deeper, to use the skills I've learned as a therapist to heal. And to help people grow closer to God, the true source of healing and wholeness. Fifth, I love Homestead. I run in, do group, run out. I get invited to the special events and I can go sometimes, but I often say no. There is so much to be done there, so many needs. Our trauma therapist leaves in May after she's gotten her doctorate. So in December, I checked, and as of my birthday, I will have met the requirements to retire from the schools and KPERS. We met with our financial planner, Courserlapo, and HR at work. At the end of this school year, I will retire from USD 383. In June, I will start two days per week as a therapist at CourserLapo Clinical and Family Services. I'm sad and excited all wrapped up in one. So that's why I said my plan is to do the radiation, have the grandbaby, have closure at school and retire, go on a trip with mom, have a giant celebration party(birthday, anniversary, retirement, and no more cancer!), then have an elective surgery, then start my new job. And only work two days per week! Now that's a lot to wrap my brain around.

Beating This!

My life is a whirlwind as I adjust to and anticipate changes ahead. I have wrapped my brain around this cancer thing and have beaten it. I am making some lifestyle changes to my diet (giving up sugar, white flour, white rice, white potatoes, processed food, chemicals, articial sweeteners, DAIRY, and increasing fruits and veggies. I've always exercised so going into surgery physically strong helped a lot. I think going into radiation strong is good too. I met with the radiation doctors and have one more appointment to get everything ready then I'll start a few days after that. It's Monday through Friday for 33 treatments total, so about 6 and a half weeks. Side effects are bad sunburn and fatigue but only more toward the end. So doable. Plus I grabbed the 730 am time so I'll do it on the way to work. I'll have to miss FCA for 6 weeks which makes me sad but that time works so well. So the plan is, do the radiation, have the grandbaby, due April 9, wrap up the school year, go on a trip with a Mom, then have a giant party. I'll have an elective surgery after that then start seeing clients at CouserLapo mid June. I'm leaving out some more BIG news for another blog post. I also met this week with the oncologist about Tomoxifen, a drug I will take for 5 years to block the estrogen receptors in the cells in my breast, preventing having to go through this again. I'm a bit less enthusiastic about this as the main side effects are increased hot flashes and weight gain. I start that drug after I recover from radiation. Let me try to describe a hot flash if you've never had one. If you've ever sat in a sauna, it's the feeling after you've been in there awhile just before you break a sweat. So for me, whenever I have an intense feeling, I have a hot flash. My face gets super hot and my pores feel like pin prickles. My body temp goes up all over. And I can't sweat. I'm already experiencing those since having to go off my estrogen. And I'm just vain enough that the weight gain makes me angry. But considering the alternative, I'll gladly take all of this. And I remember to be very very grateful that this is all I have to go through. Lifting up in prayer all those ladies who have a way worse battle than I've had.

I'm so very done with all religion. And church. Yet I can't remember a time when I've been closer to Jesus. What? How does that make sense? How can I be done with church and be so very involved in mine? As I study Jesus, He was also done with religion and religious people. He was constantly calling them out. If He were here on earth in the flesh with us right now, I believe He'd be calling them out right now too. All judgement,shoulds, be like us, think like us, look like us, us and them. Such religion is based on fear. I lived that way for way too long. I felt Gods love and forgiveness, i was even fully submitted. I put God in a box and applied my human understanding of what I thought He wanted for me and for others. I thought it was my responsibility to save people. Get them in the circle with us so they won't perish! This is what was being preached to me from the pulpit, from godly people I loved. This is not the Jesus I know now. I know I still have such a limited view of Him. It's such a personal relationship, it's so hard to put into words. An analogy that I heard recently is that He's like the sun and we are like planets and stars surrounding Him, moving closer and away, all in different positions around Him. He draws us closer and as He does, all the stuff that isn't of Him is burned off. We reflect His light. When we move further away, we experience darkness. It is only our responsibility to be in His Presence and reflect His light. Love others as He loves us. That's it! That's all it is! So simple! So church becomes a place to encourage and love others. And to worship Him. To draw closer to Him with others. Nothing more. To hear encouragement. Acceptance. Because that is how He loves. He loves and accepts everyone. He longs for relationship with everyone. People don't pretend to be something they are not at my church. No masks. We struggle together and support each other and connect with each other. Yes, I still believe there is a Truth, a way to live that is best. But it isn't my job to figure out what that is, not for others, not even for me. As I walk with Him and learn about Him and become more like Him, I find freedom and peace and joy. I find confidence and strength. I find grace and mercy and so much love. His ways become easy. I feel no condemnation. When I sin, I recognize it. He speaks His Truth to me personally, gently, lovingly, and makes it so easy for me to accept His forgiveness and walk in His ways. I do believe His ways are best. Because I experience it. All the rest just burns away.

Recovery and Post Op

The recovery process has been great, sprinkled with praises, encouragement, rest, and limited activities. I even sang (on stage) Sunday at church! The first few days Leah helped out and Emmet gave me lots of love. The second day I removed the bandages and was very pleased with how things look. Praise God! The doctor's office called and said the pathology report looked good, the margins look good and they got it all. This is super good news. Post op meeting with the doctor confirmed all these good reports. I expressed my gratitude to Dr. Paul's and he gave me a hug. So next steps are meeting with the radiology doctor and the oncologist. We are gonna have a celebration when all this is done but there is sooo much to be grateful for. Please keep all those who are going through this is your prayers, especially those who have a harder battle on their hands. And ladies if you haven't had a mammogram, schedule it right now! Thank you all for your prayers and support. Love you!

Surgery Day and Love

The love and support I have experienced in the last month has been nothing short of miraculous.  Truly.  I can't remember a time in my life when I felt so loved.  

Wednesday morning when I was doing my quiet time, I felt pretty emotional and raw .  All along I've felt hopeful and strong.  I've had so many people to talk to about this, people to listen, encourage and be there for me and sage wisdom from people who've been through it. Love. The homestead girls prayed over me.  That was so precious for me. Love.  My office is filled with inspiring plaques, some hand made that people have brought me.  Love.   One co worker brought a flower and on the card it said, you are strong and beautiful, exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment.  Another put a basket together with all sunshine themed gifts.  I can't even begin to specifically mention all the love I've been shown in all the variety of ways.

 As the day went on Wednesday, the love and encouragement, kind words, and hugs cheered me up.  Then Leah coming with Emmet was perfect.  

Wednesday during the day I had a conflict with a coworker and it was extremely stressful and obviously very bad timing.  That afternoon the doorbell rang and there she stood with flowers.  We hugged.  Few words were spoken.  Love.

Thursday, surgery day, my alarm went off at 5:30.  I slept ok, had looked over my prayers for strength before bed and did a guided body scan meditation when I woke once. 

Took my bath and took off all my jewelry, etc, had some prayer time, and really wished for my coffee.  Scott had cleaned up the kitchen and picked up around the house after I went to bed last night.  Love. Then we trudged through the ice and snow out to the car.  Scott was stressed about the ice since Leah would be walking on it so he shoveled and put salt down.  In the car on the way there, I thought about all that would be on his plate today, being there for me, driving in the ice, toting Leah and my mom around, waiting, entertaining Emmet.  He put his hand on my shoulder in the car, quietly.  Love.

 645 Arrived at the Women's imaging Center and checked in.  I changed and when left alone for a couple minutes the tears came.  I have been through a lot of minor surgeries so felt prepared for that but have not been prepared for the emotions because of this intimate surgery.  

So while we waited for the doctor, my new friend, Jacquie, the nurse, hung out and chatted with me to distract me.  Love.  

The procedure itself, to insert the guide wires for the surgeon, was difficult for me.  I sat up and my breast was clamped into the mammogram machine, two gals and a nice doctor I hadn't met previously helping me.  When the doctor gave me the shots to numb my breast, it hurt and more tears came and kept coming.  Jacquie asked me several times if I was ok, and the other gal just put her hand on mine and kept it there throughout the procedure.  Love.

They put in the wire which was more like a fishing wire, taped it down, bandaged it up, and I got dressed and headed for the hospital.  As I left the doctor said, this is just a bump in the road.  Love.

I texted Pastor Dave who still planned to drive from his home all the way in timber creek to come be with me.  Love.  And texted Leah, six months pregnant and with toddler Emmet, and my mom who turns 87 this week, also getting ready to come out in the weather to be with me.  Love.  And I read up and replied to the many friends from work, Homestead, TRU,  CourserLapo, family, and others who were expressing their love and prayers through texts. Love.

Checked in at the hospital and my nurse, Angela, got me ready started the IV.  She was calm and kind.  Love. Scott went back out into the weather to pick up the girls.  Love.

Leah and Scott and Emmet and Mom arrived.  Emmet looked around the room then came to the side of the bed and put his arms up.  Leah put him on the bed and he gently laid against me, put his little arms around me and his head on my shoulder and just held me.  Wow.  Love.  He did this two times before the surgery and again after.  Such love. 

The surgeon, Dr. Pauls, came to see me, reassured me and agreed to also remove an ugly mole from my breast.  Love.  He also said he didn't think he'd have to take out a lot.  Answer to prayers!  The nice anesthesiologist also came to reassure me.  Love.

Then my friend from TRU, Louisa, walked in.  Louisa is the main OR nurse.  When she found out I was having surgery on a day she wasn't scheduled to work, she drove from St george in this terrible weather and clocked in, just to care for me.  Crazy love.  And she put her lucky surgery cap on me.  Love.

Leah was standing by my bed and put my hand on her pregnant tummy and I felt grandson #2 move for the first time.  Love!!

Pastor Dave arrived just in time and everyone gathered around and holding hands, he prayed a sweet, faithful, simple reassuring prayer.  Love.

Louisa wheeled me back to surgery after putting a warm blanket on me.  They put on an oxygen mask and said goodnight.  I didn't have to go all the way under.  I was given a sedative that would erase my memory.  

Then I woke up and Louisa wheeled me back to my room.  My family came in and I got more hugs and love.  Emmet and I shared some water and toast.  My mom said some very sweet things to me.  I asked if her if she loves me even though I give her so much shit and she said she loves my shit.  Love.

Louisa said that in the surgery I raised my praise arms! And I apparently told her I dreamt that my doggie Rex came in and laid by my feet.  

Having them all in my recovery room was pretty overwhelming so I said so and they left.  Love.  I fell into the most amazing rest.  I was between sleep and awake but my body was the most relaxed I think I've ever been.  When I woke up, the nurse took hardly any time at all to get me ready to go home.

More people texted love and prayers and encouragement.  When I got home, the doorbell kept ringing with flower deliveries.  I'm not kidding, this has been unbelievable!

I slept until 3 and got up and hung out more with Leah and Emmet and Scott.  Leah made dinner for us.  Love.

All of this love makes me know even deeper how much God loves me beyond anything I could ever imagine.  I have never doubted that I am going to be ok.  He said that He will never leave me.  god answers prayers!  I know all this and I want to shout it from the mountaintops.  I want to pay forward all this love that has been shown to me.  I am overflowing with love.

Wait and See

I am in a time of waiting. My surgery is scheduled for this Thursday. Ifeel God's Presence and peace with me as I wait. I know it is all going to be ok. I've had time to process all of this, to wrap my head around it. There are times when I feel sadness. There are times when I feel it is all surreal. But mostly I feel peace. And love!  People are amazing!  I feel so incredibly loved and supported!  It is unreal!  Every day, several times a day, someone sends a message of encouragement or a gift or a hug.
So I wait and see. How much needs to be removed?  How will I tolerate the radiation?  How will I tolerate the tomixifen?  How much will be life be affected? I am hearing encouraging things about all of these.
In the meantime, God is with me. He assures me I will be fine, I will be healed. He grows me even in the midst of this. I am realizing now more than ever that people need each other. As I go through my day, I look around for others who maybe carrying burdens and I reach out as others have reached out to me.
And I wait.

Christmas 2018

I feel so very blessed.  This has been such an amazing time with the family, I can't even begin to capture it, but I shall try.

We will start with Christmas at Lake Wabaunsee with Larry and Jo, Bonnie and her family and Shari and her family, most of them.  Leah came with Dave and Emmet.  And Hannah got in from Denver.  We love our lake Christmas traditions, games, laughter, good food, silliness, and pictures.  

Then the Smith family Christmas.  Missed Jackie this year and face timed with TJ.  We had all of the Clark's there including the Gaedderts and my Mom made the trip, too.  Always good food and good to see everyone.

At the house we've had lots of great time together.  Emmet has been adorable and fun and so sweet.  He has given me the sweetest hugs including patting my arm.  He asks to come up.  He let's me comfort him.  Today he even slept on me for 45 minutes!  Some truly cute moments were his sound like a quack that is more of a growl.  Adorable!  And at dinner tonight he kept trying to blow out the fake tea light candles.  He gives Rex the cutest gentle air kisses and hugs.  He is so smart!  He figured out to get a light up ball to light by banging it on the table then he'd put it down between the couches where it was dark so he could see it better.  He did this for 20 minutes straight.  I didn't get to see butEmmet  played in his first snow.

We are also having a cooking contest which has been amazing and such a blessing as I haven't had to cook or do dishes except on our night!  We started with Scott and I making salmon (two kinds), smashed Yukon potatoes, roasted asparagus, and Carmel Apple pie.  Last night Leah and David made jalepeño cream cheese bacon wrapped venison steaks, cheesy sweet potatoes, and grilled asparagus.  Tonight Hannah and Kent made Buddha bowls with quinoa, sweet potatoes,avaca do and various other veggies.  They let me custom make mine.  Dessert was orNges and pomegranate with whipped topping.  Tomorrow Joel is making eggs Benedict for brunch.  Who will win?

We had julie here overnight and it's been good to have my mom in town so she can come and go as she likes.  Larry and Jo stopped by today, Jon and Brogan came for dinner one night and Dave and Lisa stopped by yesterday.

We've been playing some amazing games, too.  We've played Code Names a couple of times, Cards Against Humanity, and One Night Ultimate Werewolf.  That one is fun, sort of a role play thing like mafia.  The kids and Scott have played a haunted mansion game and another strategy game where you build a castle.  More games to come later tonight!  Then Leah and Dave leave and Hannah, Kent, and Joel stay til the 29th!  It's gonna be hard when they leave!  Joel said he won't let me spoil him because it's too hard when he goes back!

We opened gifts this morning and it was very special.  Everyone's gifts were so thoughtful including Jole who didn't shop but wrote sweet notes and made unique meaningful promises to each of us.  Emmet loved his Trucks and especially the light up guitar.  Leah approved of his adorable chucks and his boys will be good humans shirt.  And the kids liked their cash.