Emotions

I am REALLY struggling with my emotions about the kids all leaving (SOON! Joel leaves in 25 days!). I know that I tend to experience the most intense feelings before an event rather than after. I remember absolutely dreading the moment my maternity leave was over and I had to deliver Hannah to the sitter the first day. Then the day I did it, I danced a jig out to the car that I had 8 babyless hours. There were many more times I missed her like crazy and wished I could have been home with her, but I had done the hard emotional work before I dropped her off. So now I am having all these crazy emotions about the kids and they haven't even left yet! I am soooo proud of each of them and excited for them and their futures and our future as a family! I think about what's ahead: college graduations, careers, engagements, marraiges, grandchildren. None of that can happen unless I let them go. I am so happy for Hannah that she's happy in Wyoming and having such fun adventures, that's she's found someone she really cares for, and that she's finally found her career and purpose in that. She is very happy and I'm happy for her and proud of her! I'm so happy for Leah, also. I love Bethel. We went up there again this week and it helps me to let go of her knowing she has such an awesome, safe place to grow and be. She has such wonderful friends there and good influences and opportunities with the college. And Joel. My goodness! The coordinator for his department said we need to brag because it is such an honor for him to have been selected--so I do every chance I get! USC looks like such a cool, fun, exciting environment. He'll be part of a larger family that looks out for one another and also be part of a smaller family in the Cinematic Arts school and beyond that an even smaller department in his major. I know he'll not only be ok, but have such amazing opportunities! We've gotten every detail worked out for him and I know I'll still be a phone call, text, or email away if something else comes up. The preparations have been helpful for me, sort of like reverse nesting. But. I still keep getting slammed with these intense emotions of sadness, of grief, of loss, of too much change all at once. I try to focus on the things that are positive such as I've mentioned above, but also: less mess, lower grocery bills, less pressure to do meals that please everyone, quieter evenings, more privacy, stuff like that. I'm afraid of being alone--I'm not very good at it. And with Scott coaching, it happens waaaaay too often. I need him to make some changes, however, he needs to coach and stay busy to help him cope with all this. It's his way. And I'm afraid because even though we have a good marraige and are truly there for each other emotionally, etc., we don't know how to be alone together anymore. We just bumble around the house like roommates trying to find things to do. I am going to make a list of things I like to do and have him look it over and star the things he thinks he could do with me and then have him make a list too. We have such different tastes and interests! This scares me! Its too big of an adjustment at a time when we are both struggling with our emotions. Now I'm crying. I also trust God. He's been so faithful through all the big, tough things we've been through, I know He'll be there through this. But that doesn't mean I won't feel the emotions.