Tough Times...He is there

This has been a tough week, week and a half. It was so hard to send Joel off to California and then adjust to that. I started back to work last week and then school started this week. Then Monday I was in an accident. I was coming down Delaware and a 15 year old on a bike came fast down the alley and ran the stop sign, hit my bumper, then flipped onto my hood and then onto the street. Everyone's worst nightmare. I was supernaturally calm through the entire thing and afterward. And God was also apparently with the boy who although bleeding and taken to the hospital by ambulance, only had a few staples and went to school the next day. His parents were already seeing the blessing in it when they called me as the young man and his friends are all convinced now to wear helmets.
Today I took Leah back to school. Someone once said that to have kids is to have part of yourself walking around outside yourself forever. Having my kids live in various places does feel like parts of me are missing. I still have the part of me that's always me and the part of me that is Scott's. And when I see each of my kids or talk to them, I think, ""Oh, there's that part of me." Its only when all 5 of us are together that I feel whole. But right after I dropped her off, I was crying in the car and God actually said to me, "I'm all you need, I'm right here, Diane." So cool. It has been a tough week and a half but He has been right here. How do people who don't know Him do this?

We did it!

These are some random pics I took of Joel "being" at home last week in anticipation of missing him. We did it! We put Joel on the plane to California and he got there safely! All summer I've been asking Joel how he was feeling and he said he was ready, anxious for the time to pass so he could go. The the week before he left, he admitted to feeling sad. One day when we were at Chipotle (our favorite regular place) he put down half of his double barbacoa, double rice burrito and said his "apple-a-tite" was affected. I grieved all summer and walked around with a huge lump in my throat for weeks before he left! I didn't sleep for about three nights in a row at all then the night before he left,I went to bed at 9:30 and slept hard. Joel had broken up with his girlfriend (painful for everyone involved) and had thrown himself into a fantasy draft with his Dad downstairs. When I got up at 4:30 am to get ready to leave, some of Joel's friends were in the livingroom with him--they had stayed up all night! Watching them say good bye was hard but I kept it together. In the car, Joel said, "I don't think I'll ever have friends like that again." We explained to him that no, he won't, but with a little effort, he'll keep those friends forever and make new friends that will also be great lifetime friends.

We got to the airport and checked him in with no problems and ate breakfast. I started to lump up but I was determined not to cry for Joel's sake. When it was time, we each hugged him goodbye and sent him up the ramp. We went toward the door then turned to watch him get through security. That's when I lost it and so did Leah. I sobbed hard all the way to the van and most of the way home. I was physically ill with it. I told Scott that this was hands down the hardest thing I've been through--harder than miscarriages and births and deaths, everything. Scott said he was ok because he was focused on how excited he is for Joel and how this was some sort of spiritual fulfillment of his personal dreams for himself that hadn't been realized, now being carried out through Joel. Scott always knows just what to say to help me. He's been there through every hard thing I've experienced.

When we got home, I ate and napped and got feeling better physically. Joel texted his progress through the trip, gate connections, etc) and it went very smoothly. He called me Wednesday night and Thursday night. He'd had a few hitches (having to drag his stuff a lot farther across campus than planned and getting blisters, finally finding food he liked in the cafeteria but having to evacuate for a small grill fire, dropping the top book off his pile in the bookstore and it jamming between the wall and the escalator, and almost dehydrating) but he kept a great attitude and sounded very positive on the phone. By Friday night he had made lots of friends and was having such a good time he couldn't squeeze in a minute to call.

I am awestruck by the incredible bravery of my son to pack up everything he owns and leave everyone and everything he loves and taking off across the country. I'm so very proud of him. We did it!

newness

I love starting new journals! I've kept a prayer journal for about 10 years and I just love starting new ones. Here it is. (Well, I'll add it late when it gets done uploading.) Here are some of my latest journals. At the beginning of each journal, I put my personal goals, my love dare goals, and my prayer lists. I also have a list of "God Cans" which is a list where I put things that I'm worried about and let God take care of them, because He can. I have added a list of goals to do when the kids are all moved out (in about 10 days). But I already started the list! I redid the living room. And today, I cleaned and waxed the wood floors! They look awesome! Here is a pic of that, too. (When its finished downloading).

It's my turn! Come to my house!

The other night I kept picturing desperately needed changes to the living room and couldn't sleep because I was so excited. So I got up and got started! I moved all the furniture out of the room and called a carpet cleaner who came the same day and cleaned the whole carpet. I deep cleaned all the woodwork and got rid of a bunch of extra junk from the shelves and reorganized the shelves. I washed the curtains and cleaned away all the cobwebs. I gave the broken short couch to the guy who helped clean the carpet. I bought a new cushion for the futon that has springs in it and got a new cover for it and new pillows. I moved the TV to the other corner and put the big chair in the corner away from the vent so now we can actually sit in it without freezing in the summer and it won't block the heat in the winter. The couch is now on the opposite side too. I moved the sofa table to the wall so the whole room is open. I really like it now. In fact, it makes me like the whole house now! No more shrinking when it's my turn at Bible studies to answer the question, "Whose turn it is to have Bible study at their house?" "It's my turn! Come to my house!"

Treasure

I am treasuring every day left of summer. I treasure sleeping in, leisurely quiet time with God, long stretches of nothing to do, hanging out with my family and the doggies, my wonderful water aerobics classes (exercise, socializing and sun all wrapped into one!), and more time with Scott who isn't in the midst of his soccer season and is actually around some. He's sitting across from me right now at the coffee shop. I also treasure my time with Leah before she returns to school and Joel before he leaves for California. Eleven days til he leaves and I won't see him until Christmas! He's actually hanging out with me quite a bit here and there throughout the day. I'm doing ok but I do have a big lump in my throat most of the time. Last night Scott and I went for a long walk together with the dogs. The dogs got tired and we had to call Joel to come rescue us. We'll be on our own soon. I want to go with Scott to a tournament in August but who will watch the dogs? I have a list of stuff I'm going to do as soon as everyone leaves--mostly involving cleaning the house and giving stuff away (simplifying). I hope I feel like doing it! I also want to rekindle some old friendships that I've neglected. And I will be returning to work soon. Busy, Busy! I will continue in the Thursday night Bible study. Our Sunday night care cell should get going again regularly. And there will be soccer games to watch. And Adelle once a week or so. I'll be ok. I'll be ok. I'll be ok. Meanwhile, I will treasure these 11 days.

A good day is a day spent doing for others

Today was a great day. I want to hang onto these summer days because they are going fast. I finally slept well last night and slept in til 9:15. It was so peaceful when I opened my eyes. Scott had already left for work and I don't think I even heard him get up! Both dogs slept with us and so I spent the typical time scratching them good morning. I let them out to pee and then made my way into the kitchen to make coffee--just for me since Leah is in Newton for a few days and Scott was at work and Joel doesn't drink coffee OR get up before noon. I made myself some oatmeal with brown sugar and raisins for breakfast and put it on a tray (Grandma Smith's solitaire tray) and took it in the living room to watch Joyce Meyer. Had my quiet time, prayer journal, and wrote my anonymous encourager letter, and went through 2 Peter for my Thursday night Bible study and noted all the times he said "remember" or pay attention to.... I showered and put on my summer uniform, today pink shorts, white shirt, and my brand new pink sketcher shape ups! By this time it was 10:30 so I did dishes and started laundry (mostly Scott's stuff from his trip). I gathered a suitcase and big duffel for Joel to start his packing for USC and then made copies of his drivers license and social security card for his loan and put that in the mail. Then I talked with Mom on the phone and changed my clothes and went to water aerobics. Two more friends joined the class today, Kim and Louann so that was fun. I did find out that my gym has sold and will be closing so later I wrote notes to my two favorite instructors letting them know how much their classes mean to me. After water aerobics I fixed a wonderful, healthy sandwich of turkey and laughing cow spread cheese and spinach leaves on toasted arrowwheat, baked chips and drank park of a green Naked (that's the name of the drink, I wasn't naked). Then I hurried to the chiropractor where he declared my back well (praise God!) and then met Keri for a coffee and good chat at Radina's. Got home at 3:30 in time to make a payment on Joel's USC tuition account with him and talked him into letting me shop with him for his dorm stuff here since he can take two bags rather than wait and do it alone there. I then wrote the kids their weekly letters (I'm sending Hannah's and saving Leah and Joel's til they leave for school). Then I picked up Adelle and we made spaghetti. She made herself some toast and a cheese and mustard sandwich. While I cleaned up and did laundry, she watched Around the Horn and country music videos on the computer. Then we took Scott some dinner at the fire station. She really impressed him by naming the team that each of his fantasy baseball players are on. She asked him some specific questions about sports this week that he had to look up to answer! When I reminded him that he coaches soccer for Junction City, she asked him, "What are your thoughts on Junction City versus Manhattan this year?" I thought he was going to pass out with delight. We took her back to meet the fireman and she shook all six of their hands and smiled at them and then bee lined it to the sports page sitting there. Then we went to the gym to deliver my notes and she suggested we work out together sometime! We went to the library and she wanted to check out a sports almanac but its reference so I suggested we also go to the library together another day. What the heck! Two of my all time favorite places to go! Next she'll suggest we get a cup of coffee! I took her home and had a good chat with her mom and then came home to blog! I finished the day off reading Katherine Center's The Bright Side of Disaster. ( I also can't wait to read Stockett's Help that I got at the library today!) A good day is a day spent doing for others. I enjoyed this one thoroughly.

Emotions

I am REALLY struggling with my emotions about the kids all leaving (SOON! Joel leaves in 25 days!). I know that I tend to experience the most intense feelings before an event rather than after. I remember absolutely dreading the moment my maternity leave was over and I had to deliver Hannah to the sitter the first day. Then the day I did it, I danced a jig out to the car that I had 8 babyless hours. There were many more times I missed her like crazy and wished I could have been home with her, but I had done the hard emotional work before I dropped her off. So now I am having all these crazy emotions about the kids and they haven't even left yet! I am soooo proud of each of them and excited for them and their futures and our future as a family! I think about what's ahead: college graduations, careers, engagements, marraiges, grandchildren. None of that can happen unless I let them go. I am so happy for Hannah that she's happy in Wyoming and having such fun adventures, that's she's found someone she really cares for, and that she's finally found her career and purpose in that. She is very happy and I'm happy for her and proud of her! I'm so happy for Leah, also. I love Bethel. We went up there again this week and it helps me to let go of her knowing she has such an awesome, safe place to grow and be. She has such wonderful friends there and good influences and opportunities with the college. And Joel. My goodness! The coordinator for his department said we need to brag because it is such an honor for him to have been selected--so I do every chance I get! USC looks like such a cool, fun, exciting environment. He'll be part of a larger family that looks out for one another and also be part of a smaller family in the Cinematic Arts school and beyond that an even smaller department in his major. I know he'll not only be ok, but have such amazing opportunities! We've gotten every detail worked out for him and I know I'll still be a phone call, text, or email away if something else comes up. The preparations have been helpful for me, sort of like reverse nesting. But. I still keep getting slammed with these intense emotions of sadness, of grief, of loss, of too much change all at once. I try to focus on the things that are positive such as I've mentioned above, but also: less mess, lower grocery bills, less pressure to do meals that please everyone, quieter evenings, more privacy, stuff like that. I'm afraid of being alone--I'm not very good at it. And with Scott coaching, it happens waaaaay too often. I need him to make some changes, however, he needs to coach and stay busy to help him cope with all this. It's his way. And I'm afraid because even though we have a good marraige and are truly there for each other emotionally, etc., we don't know how to be alone together anymore. We just bumble around the house like roommates trying to find things to do. I am going to make a list of things I like to do and have him look it over and star the things he thinks he could do with me and then have him make a list too. We have such different tastes and interests! This scares me! Its too big of an adjustment at a time when we are both struggling with our emotions. Now I'm crying. I also trust God. He's been so faithful through all the big, tough things we've been through, I know He'll be there through this. But that doesn't mean I won't feel the emotions.