Debbie

My friend Debbie died this week. I got to know Debbie when she was the health aide at my school. Her youngest, Aaron, and Hannah used to hang out when they were in middle school and early high school. Debbie and I ate lunch together 2-3 times per week for about 3 or 4 years. We had a lot in common--two girls and the youngest, a boy, all who played soccer. Her husband used to spend a lot of time away from home with soccer activities. Debbie loved dogs and got her puppy, Jack, around the time I got Rex. We got them together a couple of times to play. Debbie had already fought breast cancer when I hung out with her. Then it came back in her bones and her liver but she beat that, too. She stopped working after the chemo and radiation wore her down. And then the cancer came back into her brain. I visited Debbie two weeks ago and got to pray with her and reassure her of heaven. She joked with us even then. The last thing she said to me was, "I like your pink shorts!". Here she was laying in a hospital bed with oxygen and an iv and no use of her legs and she was complimenting me! Debbie was always open about her cancer and she was so brave. She kept a great sense of humor and always wanted to know how I was (pretty remarkable). I read what her husband wrote about the moment she died (at home with her family and dogs nearby). I cried like a baby because it said her little dog, Jack, howled right at the moment she died. It was about the sadest thing I've ever heard. I will miss Debbie. I hope she is loving heaven.

Hannah

Today is Hannah's 22 birthday. I talked to her a little on the phone today and reminded her that on MY 22nd birthday, I was getting married! Anyway, 22 years ago today, I gave birth to our first child, a girl, Hannah Julaine Clark. After two miscarraiges, we got pregnant with Hannah. We got to see her in a sonogram at 8 weeks gestation. Her tiny heart was beating and she looked like a fish but we loved her instantly! I had to stop working with 6 weeks left in my pregnancy and lay around because I'd started to dialate and then she was born right on time! I went into labor at about 5:30 in the morning. We got to the hospital about 8. My labor was pretty intense--got stuck in transition for hours. My regular doctor wasn't there so this male doctor and Scott watched football while I pushed forever. The idiot had me laying on my back with my feet up in stirrups. Finally, he gave me some shots in my hips and stuck these huge forceps in and yanked out Hannah! They weighed her and wrapped her up and handed her to Scott before I got to hold her. He handed her to me immediately. My first thought when I saw her was, "Oh my God, I've given birth to my sister in law!" She really looked like Shari. She knew my voice immediately and was hungry right away. She sucked all my baby weight off me the first week. She weighed 9 lbs 2 ounces and looked like she was three months old at birth. Scott and I were THRILLED! You'd think he'd want a boy first but he wanted a tough girl whose sports he could coach. I wanted a girly girl. We both got exactly what we wanted. Flash forward 18 years and I have a picture of Hannah at her senior prom with long, beautiful, curly blonde hair, a fabulous body, long legs, dressed in an aqua blue sequined gown looking like a model. But she'd go out on the soccer field and knock anyone flying who got in her way! My Hannah. Hannah came out independent and demanding. When she cried as a baby, everyone jumped up to get her what she wanted. No room is ever the same when she's in it. She is funny and smart and creative tender and strong. She's loud and silly and cusses like a sailor. Hannah has the most incredible people skills--she can talk anyone into anything and they think it was their idea! If she wants something, she goes after it. She's a peace maker and a problem solver. Hannah is a fantastic artist, athlete, and rock climber. I miss her very much and wish I was with her today. I'm going to see her on October 1 and I can't wait! I love you, Hannah-belle aka Hanny Banny.

Tough Times...He is there

This has been a tough week, week and a half. It was so hard to send Joel off to California and then adjust to that. I started back to work last week and then school started this week. Then Monday I was in an accident. I was coming down Delaware and a 15 year old on a bike came fast down the alley and ran the stop sign, hit my bumper, then flipped onto my hood and then onto the street. Everyone's worst nightmare. I was supernaturally calm through the entire thing and afterward. And God was also apparently with the boy who although bleeding and taken to the hospital by ambulance, only had a few staples and went to school the next day. His parents were already seeing the blessing in it when they called me as the young man and his friends are all convinced now to wear helmets.
Today I took Leah back to school. Someone once said that to have kids is to have part of yourself walking around outside yourself forever. Having my kids live in various places does feel like parts of me are missing. I still have the part of me that's always me and the part of me that is Scott's. And when I see each of my kids or talk to them, I think, ""Oh, there's that part of me." Its only when all 5 of us are together that I feel whole. But right after I dropped her off, I was crying in the car and God actually said to me, "I'm all you need, I'm right here, Diane." So cool. It has been a tough week and a half but He has been right here. How do people who don't know Him do this?

We did it!

These are some random pics I took of Joel "being" at home last week in anticipation of missing him. We did it! We put Joel on the plane to California and he got there safely! All summer I've been asking Joel how he was feeling and he said he was ready, anxious for the time to pass so he could go. The the week before he left, he admitted to feeling sad. One day when we were at Chipotle (our favorite regular place) he put down half of his double barbacoa, double rice burrito and said his "apple-a-tite" was affected. I grieved all summer and walked around with a huge lump in my throat for weeks before he left! I didn't sleep for about three nights in a row at all then the night before he left,I went to bed at 9:30 and slept hard. Joel had broken up with his girlfriend (painful for everyone involved) and had thrown himself into a fantasy draft with his Dad downstairs. When I got up at 4:30 am to get ready to leave, some of Joel's friends were in the livingroom with him--they had stayed up all night! Watching them say good bye was hard but I kept it together. In the car, Joel said, "I don't think I'll ever have friends like that again." We explained to him that no, he won't, but with a little effort, he'll keep those friends forever and make new friends that will also be great lifetime friends.

We got to the airport and checked him in with no problems and ate breakfast. I started to lump up but I was determined not to cry for Joel's sake. When it was time, we each hugged him goodbye and sent him up the ramp. We went toward the door then turned to watch him get through security. That's when I lost it and so did Leah. I sobbed hard all the way to the van and most of the way home. I was physically ill with it. I told Scott that this was hands down the hardest thing I've been through--harder than miscarriages and births and deaths, everything. Scott said he was ok because he was focused on how excited he is for Joel and how this was some sort of spiritual fulfillment of his personal dreams for himself that hadn't been realized, now being carried out through Joel. Scott always knows just what to say to help me. He's been there through every hard thing I've experienced.

When we got home, I ate and napped and got feeling better physically. Joel texted his progress through the trip, gate connections, etc) and it went very smoothly. He called me Wednesday night and Thursday night. He'd had a few hitches (having to drag his stuff a lot farther across campus than planned and getting blisters, finally finding food he liked in the cafeteria but having to evacuate for a small grill fire, dropping the top book off his pile in the bookstore and it jamming between the wall and the escalator, and almost dehydrating) but he kept a great attitude and sounded very positive on the phone. By Friday night he had made lots of friends and was having such a good time he couldn't squeeze in a minute to call.

I am awestruck by the incredible bravery of my son to pack up everything he owns and leave everyone and everything he loves and taking off across the country. I'm so very proud of him. We did it!

newness

I love starting new journals! I've kept a prayer journal for about 10 years and I just love starting new ones. Here it is. (Well, I'll add it late when it gets done uploading.) Here are some of my latest journals. At the beginning of each journal, I put my personal goals, my love dare goals, and my prayer lists. I also have a list of "God Cans" which is a list where I put things that I'm worried about and let God take care of them, because He can. I have added a list of goals to do when the kids are all moved out (in about 10 days). But I already started the list! I redid the living room. And today, I cleaned and waxed the wood floors! They look awesome! Here is a pic of that, too. (When its finished downloading).

It's my turn! Come to my house!

The other night I kept picturing desperately needed changes to the living room and couldn't sleep because I was so excited. So I got up and got started! I moved all the furniture out of the room and called a carpet cleaner who came the same day and cleaned the whole carpet. I deep cleaned all the woodwork and got rid of a bunch of extra junk from the shelves and reorganized the shelves. I washed the curtains and cleaned away all the cobwebs. I gave the broken short couch to the guy who helped clean the carpet. I bought a new cushion for the futon that has springs in it and got a new cover for it and new pillows. I moved the TV to the other corner and put the big chair in the corner away from the vent so now we can actually sit in it without freezing in the summer and it won't block the heat in the winter. The couch is now on the opposite side too. I moved the sofa table to the wall so the whole room is open. I really like it now. In fact, it makes me like the whole house now! No more shrinking when it's my turn at Bible studies to answer the question, "Whose turn it is to have Bible study at their house?" "It's my turn! Come to my house!"

Treasure

I am treasuring every day left of summer. I treasure sleeping in, leisurely quiet time with God, long stretches of nothing to do, hanging out with my family and the doggies, my wonderful water aerobics classes (exercise, socializing and sun all wrapped into one!), and more time with Scott who isn't in the midst of his soccer season and is actually around some. He's sitting across from me right now at the coffee shop. I also treasure my time with Leah before she returns to school and Joel before he leaves for California. Eleven days til he leaves and I won't see him until Christmas! He's actually hanging out with me quite a bit here and there throughout the day. I'm doing ok but I do have a big lump in my throat most of the time. Last night Scott and I went for a long walk together with the dogs. The dogs got tired and we had to call Joel to come rescue us. We'll be on our own soon. I want to go with Scott to a tournament in August but who will watch the dogs? I have a list of stuff I'm going to do as soon as everyone leaves--mostly involving cleaning the house and giving stuff away (simplifying). I hope I feel like doing it! I also want to rekindle some old friendships that I've neglected. And I will be returning to work soon. Busy, Busy! I will continue in the Thursday night Bible study. Our Sunday night care cell should get going again regularly. And there will be soccer games to watch. And Adelle once a week or so. I'll be ok. I'll be ok. I'll be ok. Meanwhile, I will treasure these 11 days.