Strong Emotional Experiences

Last week was an emotional weekend for me.  Starting with Thursday through Saturday, I drove to Leavenworth to pick up my sweet mama.  I love my Mom and love spending time with her.  But I find myself being hard on her, critical.  She and I are both aware that it is because I don't want her to continue aging and I take it out on her. I try really hard. It to be. This weekend it was because she could only hear about 25-50 percent of what I said even with her hearing aides.  It was incredibly frustrating.  She faked it so I wouldn't know she hadn't heard then asked the same questions later.  We did have a fabulous time together, as usual, anyway.  And the good news is that she made an appointment to get her hearing aides checked!  

On Friday Mom and I drove to Newton to see Leah!  We went to her house then David's work, then had lunch at Mojos.  After lunch we drove over to Hesston to look at Leah's classrooms.  Then we went downtown and did some shopping at our favorite downtown shops including Prairie Harvest, owned by the Gaedderts!  I stocked up on local honey and ground peanut butter and also found an adorable pottery tea pot, creamer and sugar.  Then we went to dinner at the Breadbasket and had a German buffet.

On Saturday I drove Mom home and then went to the Lansing State Penitentiary to visit my friend, Bryce.  What an experience!  I wanted to blog about it because not very many people have done this and it was fascinating at the same time as it was terrifying.

First, not many people understand the bond between Bryce and myself.  We met through one of my Homestead girls and then became super close through a Bible study group.  Bryce is addicted to meth and has been since he was young.  He is 26 and bonded with me like a Mom.  He made it 8 months this time before he used again, breaking his parole and ending up in prison.  One by one, everyone close to Bryce has given up on him and dropped out of his life.  I'm not going to do that.  In prison, Bryce has truly become a new person in Christ.  I believe that he has started a true transformation.  

So on Saturday, I drove to the pen and finally found the visitor reception area around the back side.  I went in and my heart was already pounding in my chest so I got all flustered trying to go through he metal detector and took my keys through it and set it off.  The guards made me feel like an idiot and then treated me like one.  The gal said, "you know you're going to have to lock up those keys" and gave me a quarter for the locker and said, "now be sure to give that back."  I exchanged some money for tokens to buy a snack in the visitation room but they made me take all the tokens out and turn out all of my pockets.  They questioned me about the visit and if Scott was with me.  Then They told me to go wait by a gate.  I did and it buzzed super loudly then loudly slid open.  I stepped through and it shut loudly behind me then a pause then the next gate buzzed then opened and then there was a third gate.  I went into a room with a guard and inmates and their families.  It was very stiff and people weren't touching at all.  I sat there like a boob and just waited then the phone rang and they told me I was in the wrong place, that Bryce was waiting in minimum and I was in maximum.  So I went back out each of the gates then down some stairs and into three more gates.  

I finally walked into a large visitation room and stood there and up walked the most handsome person!  It was Bryce looking completely different than he had before he went in!  He looked like a movie star!  He immediately threw his arms around me in a crushing hug.  I was overwhelmed with how good it was to see him.  I was also still incredibly nervous, as was he.  

We went over and sat in plastic chairs and just talked and talked.  I held his hand the entire time for some reason feeling strongly compelled to do so.  We prayed together and talked about his options and plans when he gets out, the people in his life (and not) including my friend who is now dating someone else, and his plan to get his kids back.  He talked about what it was like in there and how he has changed.  He said that he feels like something has fallen off.  He said he still struggles with his addiction but he knows he can do it his time because he is resisting in there( apparently it is easy to get drugs in prison, no surprise).  We laughed a lot, too.  

We got drinks from the snack bar and he had to place the tokens on a sheet on the counter and I realized that it was because the workers do not want to have to touch the prisoners.  I couldn't believe the overall "un human" way they are treated.

When it was time for me to leave, Bryce said that I couldn't leave until they cleared the count time.  I really didn't like feeling that I couldn't leave.  Also, to be cleared to leave, I waited by the gate while Bryce went into another room to be strip searched!  I asked him if that was humiliating and he said yes.

Bryce said that the living situations themselves in minimum are surprisingly good, other than no air conditioning.  But he said matter of factly, "I've only seen one act of violence since I've been here (a stabbing) and that someone died of a heroin overdose just below him the night before.  Wow.

I was pretty happy to walk out of there but also very very glad I went.  Please pray for him.  

Detox

So I've been doing some research on brain based Biblical counseling techniques and decided to do a 21 day brain detox by Dr. Caroline Leaf.  She has researched the brain growth that occurs when people use scriptures and has actually seen what happens in the brain when people take thoughts captive, etc.  The Bible has tons of verses about renewing your mind (Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2 NIV) For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.... (Proverbs 23:7 KJV) We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV) Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8 NIV)This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live (Deuteronomy 30:19 NIV)). She says that science is catching up with the Bible!

Even though I mostly did this as research to benefit clients, I also knew that I've been in a funk lately, not motivated, bored, lonely, not really enjoying summer.  As I started this process, which first has you recognize your toxic thoughts, I realized I really did have a lot of negative thinking.  She then teaches you how to change your thinking, and by doing so, build new protein trees in your brain, literally changing your brain. 

 So the first few days I did notice the funk beginning to lift and I started to feel, well, just happier, lighter.  It does take some work but I started seeing the results. 

Last night, after working hard all day not to give in to "boredom", I took my book out onto the deck.  At first it was sort of cold and sticky humid at the same time and started to rain and dusk settled.  Then as I was looking up into the trees, I felt something sort of pop in my brain and all of the sudden I felt like all my senses were heightened and realized how cool it was that I was lying on the deck, reading, in the rain.  I looked at the trees and could see the beauty in the contrast of the darks and lights.  I felt my toes which had been cold, under Diego, who was sitting on them.  They felt warm and snuggly and his fur was soft.  I listened to the rain softly falling. I felt cozy and content. It was super cool.  

Weekend

Scott is working four ten hours days which leaves him Fridays off.  We spent this last weekend hanging out together doing mostly nothing out of the ordinary but it was fun!  Friday I went to water class, not teaching it, and it was cool and sprinkled on us which made th water feel warm and was actually pretty cool.  So afterward since I was already wet, I drove out to watch the tubes.  I could watch the swirling, roaring, splashing water for hours.  I stood at the fence not caring if I got wet.  I enjoyed it thoroughly.  My hot bath afterward at home was awesome!

Scott wanted to see a movie and I wanted to go to step and he had soccer practice so we found a showing in JC and drove over there.  They have a theater with recliners that was really nice!  So we reclined and munched buttered popcorn and saw "Spy" which was a pretty hilarious movie with Melissa McCarthy.  We laughed a lot.

Then after, he wanted to pick up something from his office so we stopped by.  He had shown me pictures but seeing it was better as the building is impressive, set up on a hill.  It is unique and has lots of cubbies and nooks and crannies.  Scott's office has a whole wall of windows looking out over a treed area, all green.  He can sit at his desk and gaze out at nature.  I don't even have a window in my office!  

We zipped back to,town and I did my step class, whew it was hard being my second work out of the day!  Scott had soccer tryouts so I got our chipotle and brought it home and we relaxed for the evening after he got home, me doing my usual hgtv, jigsaws and reading usually on the deck and Scott watching baseball.

Saturday morning Scott went to his men's group at church and I did some cleaning.  Saturday evening we went to the gym together then the store then made burgers on the grill.  Yum.

Sunday morning we picked up Adelle and went to church together.  Scott loves to mess with Adelle which is pretty easy to do.  He fake farts in the car and it drives her crazy.  She loves it.  After I took Adelle home and we napped, we watched a movie together and relaxed more.

It was just a nice, relaxing weekend with lots of togetherness.  We talked to all the kids at some point.  

And feeling blessed

I loved loved loved the birthday messages I received on Facebook and through texts.  I have such wonderful friends!  I feel so loved!  I wanted to keep all of them but I did screen shot a few that I will put here to save.  

And here is a selfie Scott and I tried to take before we left for Harry's but we didn't love how it turned out.

I'm officially adjusted

OIt took longer to get adjusted to summer this year!  But I am officially adjusted!

The year needed to end.  It was a hard year.  But I got attached again to some kids that I worried about, that were hard to let go of.  I turn over half my caseload every year so here are always goodbyes to say.  This years goodbyes were harder.  I love my job and I love the people I work with so it's hard to let go of seeing them every day, also.  

The first night home, I slept on the couch at Homestead so that Sandy could go on a much needed vacation.  There was lots of drama and then I didn't sleep well.  

The first weekend, I saw my Mom on Saturday and saw the new house that Dave is building that she and Dave will move into together!  It is awesome!  I then met Scott at a hotel near the Legends.  He coached that weekend so we celebrated our anniversary by staying in kc and eating at PFChang's on the plaza.  Alas, it was a long wait and a rainy night to drive.  On Sunday I went to see my Dad.

Then that Monday night I stayed at Homestead again.  No drama this time and a miracle that Sandy and her daughter made it back after driving all night in the rain and flooding!  

Thursday group (moved to Wednesday) was drama filled at Homestead with one of our gals randomly deciding to leave.  Then another left shortly after.  Pray for these gals.

So that Thursday I drove to Wichita for a social work workshop then stopped in Newton to see Leah.  She ended up coming home with me and spent the weekend with us!

We had coffee, shopped, and ate all weekend!  She took Scott to a concert and I watched Professor as he was not feeling well.  :(

I drove her home on Saturday and we stopped in Albilene and antique shopped and ate some more!

Today is my birthday so I had myself a birthday party last night!  I just made an event on Facebook and invited over a few friends for snacks and games!  Bonus:  it motivated me to clean my house!  I had a wonderful time laughing on my patio with my friends.  

Today is my actual birthday.  I have decided that I am going to do whatever I wanted to do which is not much!  I did go down to my water run class but here was thunder in the distance so we didn't get in.  I also had to get some dog food, so I also bought a new leash and stopped by Orange Leaf for some froyo.  Other than that I am laying on the deck reading a great book, "Somewhere Safe With Somebody Good" by Jan Karon and reading all my wonderful birthday posts and texts and messages.  I feel very loved.  While eating my froyo alone, I decided, "I'm ok and I have officially adjusted to summer!"

End of The Year

The end of school is an emotional time.  At middle school, I say goodbye to half of my kids.  I am pretty attached to some of them his year, well, ok, every year.  Everyone is a walking raw nerve, teachers and students alike.  The kids are not acting their best and are on the teachers' nerves.  I am busy trying to,wrap things up but am still dealing with crises.  I have tons of feelings swirling around in myself, sadness, relief, joy, worry, stress, anger and frustration.  I find myself wanting to just eat and sleep to get though it.  So I choose instead to be thankful.  I am so thankful for my coworkers, especially Angela.  Angela is the School Counselor who works right next door to me.  She's amazing.  She has tons of skills so I can pop in and consult with her whenever.  She is also so positive!  She has a great attitude and bounds of energy.  And she's a blast!  She has a saying that she uses when she agrees with me or when we are thinking alike, "Bingo Bango".  Recently I bought us matching shirts.  We wore them today.

So the end of the school year?  I can do this.  But I'll need some weekly fixes of my co workers, especially Angela this summer.

Mother's Day

Got up this morning and picked up Adelle and went to church.  Church is always good.  Scott went to kc to coach soccer.  The plan was to meet up in Topeka with our moms and go out to eat.  Dave too.  So I took Adelle home and got a text that Mom wasn't feeling well and had to cancel.  And it was turning into a stormy afternoon.  I hate hate hate driving I the rain.  Scott sent a text that there was wrecks on I-70.  So I curled up in my little blankey on the deck and read and napped and tried not to have a pity party.  When it cleared off, I took the dogs for a walk, one at a time.  Then I called and chatted with my sweet Mom.  I really wish she felt better today, I wanted to see her.  And I know she wanted to see me, too.  The my sweet Leah called and we chatted.  Then Joel called and we did google hang out.  I got to see his new apartment.  I kinda felt like I was there!  Hannah posted a pic of me holding her as a baby on Facebook.  She'll probably call in a bit.  I bought some fesh peaches today for my moms and since I couldn't take them to them, I am making peach cobbler!  Earlier I went to aggieville to buy a surprise for my counselor friend :) and treated myself to Jimmie Johns.  Even though I did feel sorta sad and lonely today, I guess it was a pretty good day.  Happy Mother's Day!  

My babies and my mama last time I saw them.